Politics Part 2 (or: This Time it's Personal).

Well Hello There.

In the tradition of cashing in on anything even modestly successful by bringing out a sequel, I proudly bring to you Part 2 of my politics special. If you missed Part 1 first time, then please find "Politics (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bastard)" here. Harold Wilson once said that a week is a long time in politics, but that was easy for him to say when there wasn't Twitter, 24hr rolling news stations and an almost endless line of comedians aiming potshots at politicians. If he had to endure all that then he might have revised his timescale down from 7 days to 4 minutes. With the all-important Scottish independence referendum creeping ever closer, the government giving it's latest figures, and the truly heartbreaking (ahem) death of Margaret Thatcher having occurred since the publishing of Part 1, I think Kieran's Political State of the Nation Address is overdue.

The EDL March to the Wardrobe to Protest Against
The Twin Evils of the Lion and the Witch.

And what a state the nation is in. As with all times of hardship, the ruling powers try their best to deflect blame from themselves, and with the general public looking to take their frustrations out on someone, and with the backing of mainstream media, some minority is always ready to be thrust atop the burning pyre. Russian President Vladimir Putin has decided that it is gay people who are responsible for all the world's ills, and unbelievably has actively demonised gays in the same way Hitler did with the Jews. Whilst moral tosspots beat and murder gays over there, in Britian we (in a much more genteel manner) have turned to an all too familiar social pariah - Johnny Foreigner. Once it was starving Irish immigrants, then the influx of Indian/Pakistanis etc. More recently it was the Polish, now asylum seekers fleeing persecution. With all these awful groups shamelessly trying to live their lives in peace, and disgustingly trying to provide for their families whilst working hard and making a contribution to society, thank goodness then we have a group of brave souls willing to act like complete scum. Cue St George's own personal malitia, the EDL (English Dickhead League) who are ready and willing to step up to the plate and bravely terrorise innocent families in true knuckledraggingly xenophobic fashion. So which politicians are going to stop the rot? Who will slap those who promote sectarian unrest in the face with a huge fish Monty Python Style? Let's revisit our political leaders to see how much they have learned recently.


Conservatives.

Cameron and Clegg Out and About
To Meet Local Voters.

When I penned Politics Part 1 I compared Prime Minister David Cameron to the evil Emperor in the Star Wars movies, with Chancellor George Osborne as his Darth Vader. On reflection, perhaps this was slightly unfair. For a start, in Star Wars the Empire was ruthlessly efficient, and devastatingly successful in their machinations. The same cannot be said for this Conservative government. Far from being an evil genius emperor, Big Dave Cameron is more like Dick Dastardly from the cartoon series The Wacky Races, with Osborne his faithful sidekick Muttley, only instead of giggling like an asthmatic on laughing gas, Osborne occasionally weeps for his ex-wet nurse and current full time corpse Margaret Thatcher. Dave Dastardly must surely be seething that just like his namesake's hapless attempts to vilify a poor pidgeon, Dave's attempts to vilify the poor and benefits claimants is starting to fail too.

"Drat and double drat!!! People are starting to realise that our policies benefit the rich at the expense of everyone else! Osboooooorne! Dooooo somethiiiing!".

Dave has recently been trying to get people currently receiving Jobseekers benefit back to work. As an incentive, the Government allows people to work up to 16hrs per week and still claim Jobseekers. Great. Unfortunately however, the government only disregard the first £5 before deducting the rest of your wage from your benefits. As a result you will be working 16 hours per week for a grand total of £5 per week. If that isn't an incentive to work I don't know what is. Nevermind, whatever gets the unemployment figures down is what really counts.


Labour.

The Two Eds in the Appointed Transport
Whilst Harriet Harman Navigates in the Back.

If each politician was a Wacky Races character, then Labour leader Ed Miliband would fancy himself as Peter Perfect. Unfortunately, along with his dad shadow chancellor Ed Balls they are more like the Gruesome Twosome. I'm not saying Harriet Harman is a dragon hiding in the back of the Creepy Coupe who only comes out to breath fire at the competition, but Occam's Razor would state differently. Ed's big brother David has decided to move over New York so he can sulk in peace at not being given the leadership of the Labour party. He is currently working as CEO for the International Rescue Committee, a non profit organisation giving international relief. Rumour has it he joined because he thought he was going to become a member of the Thunderbirds, but this cannot be verified. What are the chances that he comes back to politics in a few years to make a play for the Labour leadership again. A politician working with a charitable organisation in order to make himself look good? Surely not. Meanwhile, not much has happened with Ed politically. He still sits on the substitutes bench, moaning about how shit the government are and how he would do things differently. He hasn't been too forthcoming with ideas, but he has stated that the country requires "New Politics". This is a phrase as ambiguous and meaningless as Dave Dastardly's "Big Society" nonsense. Perhaps this "new politics" will reach further than ever before. Debates can be decided by who can hurl the best insults at the opposition;

"Mr Speaker. Finding an Ethnic Minority Conservative 
on the Front Benches is Like Playing Where's Fucking Wally".

"Mr Speaker, members of the house. I put it to all of you that the Right Honourable Member for Coventry South is a colossal dunderfuck!".

Perhaps pets can be given the right to vote. The bedroom tax can be replaced by a new "Moustache Tax". Who knows, maybe even politicians would be legally required to actually do their jobs for a change. OK, perhaps that last one was unrealistic.




Liberal Democrats.

"Did You Like the Present I Left
 in Your Shoe, You Insufferable Oaf?"

As part of the Conservative Lib Dem coalition, Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg continues in his job as Dave Dastardly's tea boy and manservant. He was perfectly happy cosying into Dave like a kitten suckles on it's mother, until the latest English local elections, when his party received an absolute hammering and the country collectively reminded Nick that if he wants a job as a tea boy, there are plenty of cafes which require such a person, and to leave politics to someone with a backbone. Nick has therefore started to bite the hand which employs him, by moaning about how Dave Dastardly and Muttley aren't being too fair on poor people and how he thinks they should be due a bit of a break. I'm sure he has anonymously put his opinion in the Downing Street suggestion box, and intentionally looked the other way as it is used as lining for Larry the Downing Street cat's litter tray. Afterall, Dave Dastardly is used to shitting on the poor, so why shouldn't Larry get used to shitting on suggestions to help them?



BNP/UKIP.

Nick and Nigel are Happy to Carpool to Westminster,
But Only if They Can Do it in a WHITE Car.

Bringing up the rear in the Westminster Wacky Races are the Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel, or to give them their Sunday names Nick Griffin of the BNP and Nigel Farage of UKIP. Two cavemen in suits. The former is a racist, fascist fuck, and the latter is a slightly less fascist but still equally racist fuck. Both men have been revelling in the nation's newly invigorated right wing demonisation of foreigners, and they have been out to make the most of it by spouting the same old xenophobic drivel, only this time a little more brazenly. Both cavemen serve an important purpose in this political climate however. Their respective successes in the polls and in polling stations are a good lipmus test of just how fucked this nation is. If either Slag wins a General Election then all the nation's fair minded people can claim asylum in other countries. I'll see you all on the boat.



SNP.

Alex Salmond is Clearly Delighted to be
Meeting Hollywood A-lister Mike Myers.

The SNP are busy getting excited for the 2014 Independence referendum like a child gets excited about Santa coming on Christmas Eve. They need to be very careful however, as recent polls have indicated that on the day after the referendum flag waving haggis-botherer Alex Salmond might wake up to find that Santa didn't come, and that Scotland must stay in a loveless marriage with England. You might find my comparison of Scotland and England's union as a loveless marriage slightly unfair, but I ask you - when was the last time Scotland and England had sex? Exactly. While both the YES and NO camps continue to slug it out in the most depressing manner possible, Scottish voters have been left to ponder a number of questions such as;

1. Will Scotland be better off as an independent nation?
2. Will there be legal wrangling over ownership of the oil reserves in the North Sea?
3. Will Alex Salmond EVER knock the Braveheart shit off?
4. Why is the NO camp populated by such a bunch of miserable fearmongering arseholes?

Have a Nice Day Bitches.

So there you have it. We're poorer, sadder and ultimately more suicidal since my last Politics blog. Food banks for the poor have significantly increased, but at least Prince William and Kate have had sex and produced a child, so everything is great in Great Britian once more. Who knows, perhaps Wills and Kate can sell off the silver spoon little George was born with in his mouth, and donate that money to a child povery charity. But then again, why would they want to sell the family silver? We live in hard times afterall.

Kieran x