So now the election campaign has kicked off I hope you all have wellies and golf umbrellas, because it’s going to be raining bullshit constantly, with gale-force vomit being driven into your face by numerous politicians full of hot air. The race may still have 2 weeks remaining but already there has been enough bullshit to fill a swimming pool. So here is a round up so far of the electoral shenanigans of those leaders who would happily stab their granny in the neck with a rusty screwdriver for your vote.
Tory
Current
Prime Minister and leader of the dark side Emperor Cameron got out of the
starting blocks early. No sooner had he finished licking the Queen’s ring for
the final time this Parliament, he was back in Downing Street to make
sure little Boy lost Ed Miliband hadn’t snuck in through the cat flap. The
Emperor thought that the best way to tell serfs how great he was, was by
telling them how shit little Ed was. He cooked up the lie that under Labour all
serfs are going to be £3,000 worse off. And he would have gotten away with it
too if it wasn’t for those pesky kids at the Institute for Fiscal Studies who
told him not to talk shit. They described his claim as “very unhelpful and of
little value”. For very unhelpful, see “lying bastard”. This was a change in
tact for the Emperor after his attempts to show Little Boy Lost in Alex Salmond’s
pocket. Ironically Nick Clegg has been in Cameron’s pocket for 5 years so
suggesting anything about Ed is a tad hypocritical.
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| Now with 40% More Unicorn |
During
his TV interview, he was given a hefty seeing to by curly-haired crucifier
Jeremy Paxman. Paxman asked him about his tolerance of zero-hours contracts,
the rise in food banks, and how despite Darth Osborne’s assertions that Britain
is “walking tall”, life is still pretty shit for anyone who isn’t a
one-percenter. Meanwhile the Emperor has been having photoshoots of himself
bottle-feeding lambs to show his fuzzy side. Unfortunately he then ordered the
cameras to be turned off before he devoured the lamb’s soul. In order to appear
like a normal family man, his has been snapped at a barbeque eating hot dogs
with a knife and fork. I don’t know what kind of cunt eats hot dogs with
cutlery, but eating with one’s hands is a step beneath Dave. Perhaps he just
didn’t want Ed Miliband-esque pictures of him trying to eat looking like a
slack-jawed simpleton. Still, just ask Cameron and he’ll tell you that nothing
takes the horrid taste of hot dogs away like a nice glass of orphans’ tears.
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| Now With 30% More Orphan |
The
latest Tory news is Dave’s cunning plan to terrify the English into voting
Tory. The Emperor has dusted off renowned Curriephile and ex-PM, the world’s
greyest man John Major to espouse the dangers of the Northern hordes
threatening to ravage England’s fair maidens. The scaremongering tactics (known
as Operation Fear) which the Tories once employed in the Independence
referendum with their No campaign bedfellows, have now been turned on the
English voter. It remains to see whether the threat of an army of mad hairy
arsed Scots hoisting a St Andrews Cross above Buckingham Palace will scare the
English into voting for the Emperor. Time will tell.
Cameron
does have some friends though, and not just in the mainstream media. UKIP’s
Fuhrer, Herr Farage has already stated that he would jump into bed with Emperor
Cameron given half the chance. I’m not sure who that will upset more, Samantha
Cameron for having more competition, or Nick Clegg who will have to curl up at
the foot of the bed like the good little lap dog he is.
Lib Dems
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| Clegg Remembers What It was Like to Have a Spine |
The
prospect of reduced bed space aside, Nick Clegg has had a fantastic time. On the
first day he quite unnecessarily visited the Queen, most likely the last time
he’ll ever get to meet the Queen again, unless he scores the winning goal for
England in the World Cup final. He then started his Lib Dead Farewell Tour by
saying that the Toryists were too right wing, the Labourists were too left wing
and that the Lib Dems were juuuuuust riiiight. He said that a coalition
government with a completely useless, spineless, hopeless bunch of Lib Dem
pricks was the only way to go. After that all the journalists left, so he
started talking to some dog poo on the pavement because it was the only way he
would have a captive audience. Nick Clegg is determined to convince anyone who
will listen that he and his party are still electable. And he’s right. That’s
if people are voting on who should be the first person to try and find a safe
way across a minefield.
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| Left: Beaker Wearing Glasses. Right: Alexander at the Podium |
The Lib
Dead’s own answer to Beaker, Danny Alexander, has recently disclosed during an
interview that in a meeting with the Tories, one unnamed Tory said “You take
care of the workers, let us take care of the bosses”, thereby highlighting the
Tories’ callous attitude towards the working class, and priorities towards the
top 1% of society. The timing of such a revelation is convenient to say the
least, but hardly surprising. If this is to make us feel worse about Emperor
Cameron’s bid to crush the populous into servitude, it only serves to ask why
the Libtards were happy to become joined at the hip with them for 5 years, when
they could have raised a vote of no confidence in the government, called for
another general election and kicked Emperor Cameron in his unmentionables any
time they wanted. They would probably have done even better in the re-election
after showing that they had the balls to do what they said they would. And so
Mr Alexander’s revelation only serves to make his party look feebler, and
another political faecal faux pas has hit the Lib Deads’ fan.
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| Nick Sings Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time" |
In his
role as Tory hired help, Nick has had the misfortune/stupidity to make his
party the one thing worse than hated – irrelevant. The UKIPs and their
bigot-in-chief, Sam the Eagle Farage are hated across much of the country, and
yet they are currently polling much higher than the Lib Deads. If you are happy
with how Emperor Cameron, Darth Osborne and Darth Duncan Smith are running the
country then simply vote Tory. If you want things to change then vote for
Little Boy Lost’s Party, Snips, Plaid Cymru, or Greens et al.
Nick
Clegg has stated lately that everyone should Lob Dead because they will give a
Tory Coalition government “a heart” and a Labour Coalition government “a brain”.
Shame he can’t promise to offer either one a spine. Although Clegg deliberately
likened himself as a fair minded Dorothy in this Westminster rendition of the
Wizard of Oz, unfortunately for the last 5 years he has chosen to play the part
of the Cowardly Lion. Now it’s too little too late. He’s typecast, there are no
other roles for him and he will always be looked on as the Cowardly Lion. At
the end of the Movie the Cowardly Lion gets presented with a courage medal.
Clegg is more likely to be presented with a P45.
Labour
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| "Cracking Campaign Strategy Gromit!" |
It’s been
a bit of a mixed bag of shit for waxy-faced Wallace-a-like Edward Milliband
too. Ed did surprisingly well against Jeremy Paxman’s verbal bashing on TV.
Even though the big scary Pax man was bullying him, Ed argued back and stood up
for himself and didn't cry or anything, even though the big angry Pax man had
to ask him if he was OK at the end. Uncle Ed Balls must have promised him an
ice cream if he managed to hold in the waterworks. After the
peak of live TV interview was the trough that was his attempts to woo business
leaders. Labour took out a full page ad in the Financial Times quoting various
leaders on how Labour’s stance on staying in the EU was much better for the
country and for business. While Ed was shmoosing them on the podium, their
companies released various statements stating that they were “impartial” and
“apolitical”. For impartial and apolitical, please see “Don’t draw us in on
this Ed, you prick”.
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| Ed Losing an Argument With a Bacon Sandwich |
Lately
however, Little Boy Lost has made a bit of a whoopsy. The Daily Torygraph
printed a desperate article about a “leaked” memo stating that the SNiP leader
Nicola Sturgeon told the French Ambassador that she preferred Emperor Cameron
as prime minister to little Ed because the Emperor seemed like more of a leader.
This was immediately strenuously denied by a pissed off Sturgeon and the French
who confirmed that no such discussion took place. Just ask any serious angler,
you don’t want a pissed off Sturgeon in your hands, no matter how small. That
would have been the end of it, however Little Boy Lost, being so desperate to
discredit the SNiPs, launched into how it showed that all SNiPs are lying
disingenuous bastards, and that the Scotch must vote for Scotch Labour. The
problem is that it has shown to be complete bollocks, and Labour look at best
fools for falling for the Torygraph’s tall tale, and at worst opportunistic
weasels for trying to smear someone who the British electorate currently view
quite kindly. Either way, Scotch Labour now look less electable than ever.
The
latest election gaffe by Little Boy Lost is to have Gordon Brown and Tony Blair
dusted off and going the rounds intervening on behalf of little Ed. That’s who
you want defending you – a known war criminal and a chancellor who under their
own watch failed utterly to protect Britain against the global recession, who
landed us in this pool of diarrhoea in the first place. Tony Blair
intervening on behalf of Ed Miliband is like Adolf Hitler intervening on behalf
of Angela Merkel. I bet poor Ed just wishes that he was in his bedroom playing PS4
right now.
SNP
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| Nicola Sturgeon Full of Smiles (Presumably) |
The SNP
has had a better time of it so far. They got out of the blocks with a rousing
conference in front of 3,000 William Wallaces in Glasgow. Labour’s argument
has been that “a vote for SNP is a vote for the Tories” but the Tories’
argument is “a vote for SNP is a vote for Labour”. It can’t be both, so it’s
most likely neither. Meanwhile, in an attempt to give every Daily Mail
reader in England a stroke, Shrek-alike Alex Salmond has been stirring the shit
again by claiming that the SNP would control England's economy as part of a
coalition. That makes a certain amount of sense, after all we are supposed
better together apparently. One team sailing the big ship Britannia together.
As far as the Daily Mail is concerned we ARE better together, so long as an
English-dominated Westminster political party is controlling that ship. If an
exclusively Scottish party dare put a hand on the ship's wheel then the English
media lose their shit completely.
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| Sturgeon Wowing Audiences With Her Tap Dancing |
The
highlight of the SNiPs campaign so far was Leader Nicola Sturgeon’s performance
in the live Leader’s Debate. All the scaremongering of the Daily Heil and Daily
Torygraph was successfully dispelled in one evening. The theory that a mad
hairy-arsed army of SNiPs charging down to London, trampling roses, and
planting Thistles as they go have been all over the English media, and
understandably English voters were concerned. However what they saw in the
leaders’ debate was a tiny woman in a red suit, talking about the SNiPs helping
end austerity for the whole of Britain. As a result, the Westminster
establishment and their lackeys in the media have been shitting their spleens
out in panic, as to how to demonise the Scottish homunculus.
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| A Sight to Scare any Sith Lord, or Tory Peer. |
I’ve met
Nicola Sturgeon. I’ve asked her searching questions. Let me be the first to
confirm what you’re all wondering. Yes she really is only 3 ft tall. I’m
convinced that during the leaders’ through camera trickery made her like at least
2 ft taller than she actually is. Based on the latest polls it seems
increasingly likely that the SNiPs will have some kind of hand in how the next
government is formed. What is crucial for Sturgeon is that she does not make
the mistake Nick Clegg did. He immediately lost his spine, became the Tory’s
chief apologist, and has now for almost 5 years suffered the most protracted
political suicide in living memory. Perhaps the main sentiment of all William
Wallaces are best summed up in the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi: “You’ve
got a bloody awesome opportunity here you tiny tart, just try not to fuck it up
for the rest of us, eh?”. Probably.
UKIP
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| Left: Sam the Eagle Scowls. Right: Farage at the Leaders Debate |
Meanwhile,
back in 1950, turkey necked blunderbuss Nigel “Sam the Eagle” Farage has
launched UKIP’s election campaign in front of the white cliffs of Dover. It may
be that he wanted to speak in front of something intrinsically British (for
Intrinsically British, see “bloody English”). It was most likely that his
supporters just wanted to soothe their red raw knuckles in the cooling waters
of the English Channel. Nigel immediately kicked off his campaign by blaming
all of Britain’s ills on immigrants and said that a cap on immigration was the
only thing that would save our souls. This was a u-turn from a couple of weeks
ago where he wanted a points-based system of entry. It seems that his
knuckle-dragging support figured that was too tolerant of Nigel, and so
official party policy was back to telling everyone who wasn’t white, Christian
and British to fuck off again (Note: It appears that he has changed his mind
again and has reverted to the points system, as stated on the recent live TV debate.
Clearly policy comes second to whatever will get the racist the most votes).
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| Farage Mobbed by Fans at the Campaign Launch |
UKIP have
been at their hare-brained best however, by claiming that it is nonsense that a
nationalist political party (SNP) be part of a union (Westminster coalition)
they are dead set on leaving. Apparently the hypocrisy of a UKIP candidate in
the European Parliament elections is lost on a fascist. Meanwhile Nigel Farage
admitted in the live TV Leader’s debate to having a bug up his arse about
foreign HIV victims getting treatment on the NHS. British HIV is fine
apparently, but foreign HIV is awful. If only people contracted good
old-fashioned British HIV then it wouldn’t be a problem, but all this foreign
HIV, coming over here, taking all our jobs and our antivirals…
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| An Award for the Cameraman is Deserved |
Since the
leaders’ debate Herr Farage has admitted to UKIP falling in the opinion polls.
I’m sure Farage will be quick to point out that the seeming fall in popularity
is because of the EU, or immigrants coming into the country, or Muslims, or
breast-feeding mothers. Bloody EU Muslim, breast-feeding immigrant mothers,
coming over here, taking all our jobs and our opinions. I’m surprised that Herr
Farage hasn’t stated that opinion poles will be banned if he gets a sniff of
power after the election. He probably thinks that the Poles who have come over
here have been given enough of an opinion already. Just like his fascist
forefathers, Nigel really seems to dislike Polish people.
In the
last Leader’s debate Big Sam made himself look like even more of a tit by
petulantly turning on the audience just because they weren’t a bunch of rabid
knuckle dragging racists. As an occasional standup comedian myself I always
advise that you are going to attack the crowd, do it purely in self-deprecatory
jest, not because they don’t dig what you are saying. As much as big Sam seems
like a comedy character, he is very serious indeed. They only joke in his
performance is the man himself.
Plaid
Cymru and the Green Party
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| Woods, Sturgeon and Bennett. Hope for Politics Yet. |
A little
unfair to lump two entirely separate parties in together don’t you think? Not if
the mainstream media have anything to say about the matter. After initially
impressing the UK public with modern, progressive ideas on politics much has
gone quite on the Plaid and Green front. This is not because either party have
been sitting still, but simply because the press would rather concentrate on
the threat of the SNiPs, or giving Herr Farage’s UKIP twats the oxygen of
publicity. As a result stories in the media have been very few and far between for
Leanne Wood’s Plaid, or Natalie Bennett’s Green Party. I fear that one
rabble-rousing woman politician is as much as the media can handle at any one
time. One positive aspect of such little media attention is that neither party
has been dragged into the mud like any of the others. Whilst the other
politicians have been throwing shit at each other like a gang of lunatic diarrhoetic
monkeys, both Plaid and the Greens have managed to stay above such nastiness.
Like the SNP, the core of their strength is online and in social media. This is
a good thing. It is where grass roots politics is formed with the future
generations, where free thinking is encouraged, and the political bias of
mainstream media is deservedly mocked. Whether this will be enough to garner
any more seats for either party in THIS election remains to be seen.
