My Washing Machine has Gone on Strike.

I find myself alone in the house all this week after my better half has been away on some business trip. I’m not quite sure where, but I think it's either Armenia, America or Afghanistan. Surprisingly enough I've found it increasingly hard to sleep. It's not that I've been missing her, it's more likely that I'm waking up and the quilt is still covering me. I'm also happy to report that the bruises on my legs from where she kicks me in her sleep are healing well. It hasn't been plain sailing of course. Most confusingly my clothes are not being washed. I always thought that they washed themselves in collaboration with the washing machine, but it seems to have gone on strike. After putting on a cycle myself, I asked the washing machine why it isn't working by itself any more, but it just farted a few bubbles and started leaking from underneath.

My friends have been joking that now the cat is away me and my fellow mice should play. Jokes of raging house parties and wild nights out have been spouted, but the truth of the matter is I've been going to bed early with a cup of tea, a scone and a movie. I'm not sure when I became middle aged, but I think it was roughly 5 days ago.

I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet. It’s not that I’m being lazy (My natural laziness is completely coincidental); I'm blaming the 2012 Mayan end of the world prophecy. If the world is going to end before Christmas, then why waste time in long and infuriating shopping queues? If you're not aware of the 2012 prophecy then let me indulge you. The ancient Mayans projected that their 5'000 year calendar would end on the 21^st December 2012. Cue hysteria about the end of the world and terrible disaster movies. Personally, any more awful apocalypse movies and I'll be looking forward to judgement day. Fear not though, pretty much every scientific expert and even Mayan experts have refuted these theories as nonsense. They state that we should be more concerned with more immediate fears, for example global warming, and if the X-Factor will get another Xmas number 1.

Rest assured that on December 22^nd you're likely to find me rushing around Sauchiehall Street like a headless chicken, desperately trying to convince myself that my missus would just LOVE a “Tickle Me Elmo” toy. And when you sit down to your Christmas dinner, just think about how many red-faced ancient Mayans there will be out there, and I promise you we'll be thinking of each other.

Merry Christmas and God bless us, eeeeverrryyyone!

Kieran x