Well now that the wedding day is over, Hurricane Matrimony has passed and I have assessed the desolation that was my dreams, it's now time to get back to the drudgery of talking complete and utter bullshit. There has been lots of Scottish news recently which has caught my eye so let me enlighten you all.
Pssst.... You Wanna Buy Some Death Sticks? Or Some Carrier Bags?
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A Man Prepares for the 5p Levy
By Taking His Argos Shopping Home. |
The latest plan to sexually molest our wallets comes not from the UK government as usual, but from Hollyrood instead. This schemes involves introducing a 5p levy on carrier bags you normally get for free. It is thanks to environment secretary Richard Lochhead, who states that we are all a bunch of wasteful bastards who take 10 shopping bags to carry a loaf of bread then discard 9 of the bags in the street. How observant of him. In the interests of fairness however the Scottish Government has been at pains to stress that this levy is not a tax and the government will not make any money from this scheme. The money raised (possibly up to £5million) will go directly to good causes. I'm sure they have a utopian vision of a Scotland where people have 1 carrier bag which lasts them all their lives and peoples' houses are powered by bottled methane from the flatulence produced by the inhabitants who live there, but I fear the reality may be somewhat different. I think people rather than giving 5ps to charity shall instead just cram more shopping into less bags. One should therefore expect to see an increased number of ripped carrier bags on the street with 6 broken eggshells and lightbulbs in them instead. And organised criminals ever the opportunists, sensing money to be made will ship carrier bags from the continent and sell them off at greatly reduced prices. The government had enough trouble on their hands with people selling loose tobacco on the black markets, now they will need to combat both Golden Virginia AND 2p carrier bags. Scotland will become a land strewn with torn carrier bags and broken dreams, with no eggs and no hope. And Scotland will descend into Dante's 7th circle of Hell. Probably.
Penguins Make Glasgow.
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| "People Make Glasgow Addicted". |
News from Glasgow now, in the run up to the Commonwealth Games Glasgow has decided to rebrand itself. Moving on from the ridiculous and thoroughly misleading "Glasgow Smiles Better" travesty, they have moved on to "People Make Glasgow...". Whilst this is technically accurate in so much as it is unlikely that Polar Bears or Seagulls designed and constructed the houses and shipyards. So kudos for pedantic accuracy there. To be more specific, there will be a number of different slogans ie. "People Make Glasgow Home", "People Make Glasgow Creative" etc. I think there may be other options which although less appealing will be more realistic and frankly, honest. For example, "People Make Glasgow Alcoholic", "People Make Glasgow Ignorant", "People Make Glasgow Illiterate", "People Make Glasgow Gomorrah" etc.
Happy Shiny People Holding Handbags.
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David Longmuir (L) & Neil Doncaster (R) Discuss
Who Should Receive the First Blow Job. |
Football now, and after months of bitter fighting, name calling, bitching, and handbag skirmishes, the 2 great (?) organisations the SPL and SFL have agreed to merge into one great supergroup of football. There has been a great deal of resentment when the top teams in the country broke away to become the SPL in the pursuit of money, leaving The SFL with the cheque and a sense of bitterness. After 15 years the land of plenty which was the SPL turned out to be just the same as the SFL, but with a sillier badge on the football tops. Now after the debacle that was the death of Rangers Football Club (you probably hate me now, but just face it and move on) and the subsequent rise of another Rangers, the feelings of bitterness returned when Scottish football collectively shat itself at the thought of a global giant going the way of the dodo. So now all is well in Scottish football, everyone has agreed to put their handbags down and kiss and make up in the interest of money. And all the bitterness and resentment of the past is a distant memory, with everyone seeing each other as brothers and friends. Erm, yeah...... sure......
One Small Step for Shrek, One Giant Leap for Womankind.
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Shrek Only Golfs at Places Which Allow
Princess Fiona to be a Member. |
Linking the unholy marriage of sport and politics, professional Shrekalike First Minister Alex Salmond struck a blow for women and fairytale characters everywhere this week, when he deliberately refused an invitation to the Open Championship to be held at Muirfield Golf Course. Why you might ask. It seems that the golf bosses at Muirfield still live in the 15th century, as they continue their long standing tradition of refusing to allow females to become members. Yes, it's a regular sausage factory up in Muirfield. Although if you would allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment, it could be argued that they are only staying true to the traditional ideals of golf. Remember, according to urban legend golf isn't a name, it's an acronym which golf was named after: Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden. This is certainly not true, and as a result is instead, a backronym, however the fact that there is such a long running legend only goes to highlight the misogynistic history of the sport. It is scandalous of course that Muirfield continues to ban females from being members, when they are more than happy to allow Pixar cartoon characters to be guest of honour.
Even Pontius Pilate Probably Wasn't This Miserable.
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Murray After Being Asked to Consider Which is More
Important - Wimbledon Success or the End of Days. |
At time of writing, Andy Murray marches onwards with the persistence of a hard boiled egg with a miserable face drawn on it being rolled down a hill. 2 of the favourites Federer and Nadal have both gone out, leaving the door wide open for uber-talented misery guts Murray to casually stroll through. Murray the world number 2 is truly one of the favourites to go on and be the first Briton to win Wimbledon since Pontius Pilate in 20AD. I like the rest of the nation shall be cheering Andy on, but I can't help feeling increasingly uneasy as he gets closer to the final. It's a well known fact that a Scot winning Wimbledon will herald the arrival of the Rapture, so if I were you I wouldn't start any long books right now. And if at any time you see the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse sitting eating strawberries on Murray Mound then you'll know why. So thanks Andy for threatening to bring all existence to an end with your world class tennis, you selfish bastard. Funny, I always thought it would be the Americans who in some way would bring about the end of the world.
I Find Your Lack of Ruthlessness Disturbing.
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"So Let Me Get This Right. Your Disabled Grandmother
DOESN'T Need to Pay Bedroom Tax? Iain, Fix This". |
And finally, 3 cheers for Renfrewshire Council for using a legal loophole to protect some of it's most vulnerable residents from the Bedroom Tax. It will reclassify some homes so that any spare bedrooms which need to be used for the care of a disabled tenant will be exempt from the tax. These bedrooms will no longer be considered 'spare', but necessary and so the tenents will not have their benefits reduced. It's nice to see a local council having a heart and actually looking out for their most needy tenants. And somewhere deep in bowels of Westminster Emperor Cameron and Darth Osborne are buggering Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith with a fireplace poker for allowing such irresponsible compassion to be shown to such lowly serfs. And IDS will be sent packing with the Emperor's orders ringing in his ears: "Wipe the loopholes out. All of them".
Kieran x
Thanks
ReplyDeleteKieran x