Kieran's 2012 Review

Hello all.

2012 has been a funny old year hasn't it? And by funny I mean completely shit in every possible aspect. The nation's economy has gone from bad to worse and the number of food banks in the UK has risen dramatically, though Emperor Cameron and Darth Osborne have made their friends richer. There have been celebrity births, marriages and deaths. A bunch of really sporty people came to London and McDonalds sponsored them to run and jump and swim. There have been truly heartbreaking tragedies, and moments of sublime idiocy to make even the most stupid in society feel clever. Oh, and everyone thought we were going to die because the Mayans said, so everyone danced Gangnam Style.

Clearly These Olympians are Lovin' It.

So where to start? Well perhaps it's best to with the only portion of society which seems to matter to people - the glamourous wacky tacky world of celebrity. The celebrity world didn't get off to the best of starts, when it mourned the loss of Whitney “Crack is Whack” Houston. The release of her last single “My Husband had to Dig it out with a Shitty Stick” had to be cancelled, but expect it to be included in her next Best Of album.

Saville: Just Days Before his Death

Without a doubt the biggest celebrity scandal of 2012 was reserved for a once loved, socially appointed saint. Since certain incidents have been brought to public attention, everyone's favourite adopted grandad has now become the nations biggest monster in sheeps' clothing. The death of Sir Jimmy "If it's in a starter bra then it's game on" Saville having been mourned in 2011 has been retrospectively celebrated in 2012. It has caused a massive shitstorm which the media has unsurprisingly taken full advantage of. The constant headlines of victim after victim coming forward combined with the arrest of high profile celebrities have left an air of suspicion over every celebrity in the 70's 80's and 90's. It won't be long before former TV stars put 'I was big in the 70's but I'm not paedo, honest' on their Twitter bios. Still in the world of high profile paedophilia, news of Ian Watkins, lead singer of Lostprophets being arrested with alleged indecent pictures of children on his hard drive has shocked fans of overrated music everywhere. If these allegations are true and he goes to prison it's safe to say that he will probably lose the ability to get a hard drive ever again. From a glass half full view at least he will make an excellent girlfriend for some lucky hairy-backed inmate.



In Politics
In UK politics, the world is still waiting to see if Nick Clegg's backbone will ever appear. Hopes have been fading fast since 2010. His spine has now become a thing of myth, like The Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot. There are those who claim to have seen it, but no one will take them seriously for obvious reasons. Just like Clegg's political future, none of these creatures are likely to exist.

Happily, it has been a good year for the rich, especially for those of a Conservative millionaire persuasion. Meanwhile, back in the real world, a food bank opens somewhere in the UK every 3 days. Figures from the Trussell Trust who currently run over 270 food banks show that from 2010-11, a total of 61,468 people used the service after being referred by their doctor or social worker. Last year that number rose to 128,697. The Trussell Trust has predicted that in the coming year over 200,000 people will be forced to rely on the food banks. It's reassuring to know that as Lord Emperor Cameron so correctly stated, we are all in this together.

 2012 will be recognised as the year the greatest political scandal since Watergate sideswiped us. It will forever be known as 'Plebgate'. This happened when Government cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell was refused passage through a gate with his bicycle by a police officer who should be considered a national hero. The millionaire minister allegedly called the cop a 'Fucking Pleb'. Under pressure from Emperor Cameron he resigned in disgrace. It has very recently come to light that fibs may have come from the police. It cannot be true, afterall the police would NEVER lie to cover their own backs.... Perhaps the saddest aspect of this whole debacle is that upon hearing of a Goverment minister calling a normal person a 'Pleb', the nation reacted with a collective 'Yeah, that sounds just like them'.

Across the pond in The United States of the N.R.A. Barack "Long-Legged Mack Daddy" Obama won a second term as President, however the people of N.R.A.Land insisted on making it a close race with George W. Bush version2.0, Mitt Romney. Romney is basically a more right wing version of Bush, which is terrifying enough, but with added welfare reduction, vulture capitalism and a general inability to relate to the common man. When asked if middle income was $100,000, he said he considered it more like $200,000 - $300,000. In a fundraiser speech which was secretly recorded, he said that no matter what, 47% of voters would vote Obama. He said the 47% 'Believe that they are victims.... believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, you name it....My job is not to worry about those people'. A true humanitarian in the shape of Mother Teresa, clearly. Obama prevailed and the world breathed a collective 'Thank fuck' and things didn't escalate towards nuclear Armageddon afterall.



In Sport
It was a fantastic year for British sport. In football, Chelsea became the champions of Europe after a rectum-clenching final with Bayern Munich which was decided through penalties. Manchester City also won the Premiership for the first time in 400 years thanks to a jammy bastard goal deep in injury time of the last game of the season. Allegedly Sir Alex "Beetroot Headed Gum Chewer" Ferguson's face got so bright red that his head burst into flames and he spent the rest of the summer being the angry superhero 'Ghost Rider'.

With the long anticipated arrival of the Olympics this summer the nation was awash with pride. Team GB did their nation proud by overachieving and getting a fabulous haul of medals. Even Scotland had reason to cheer, as Scotland came top of the table in medals to population ratio. Even Andy "Party Animal" Murray finally won something when he beat Roger "I'd be shit if it weren't for Gillette's fantastic products" Federer and won Olympic gold. Team GB's paralympians also achieved glory and rightfully became national heroes, attaining a total of 120 medals, including 39 golds. They came 3rd in the medals table, and only China got more gold medals than team GB.

"I Was Asked to Advertise Preparation H. It's Too Hip for Me"

In the News.

Lizzy, Humbled by the Stench at Horseguards Parade

Last year, some really posh bloke married a really posh girl and the world celebrated their really posh wedding. Remember them? Well they're back, and this year, said really posh girl announced that she has a really posh bun in her really posh oven, and the world is now obliged to go fucking bananas in 2013. Staying with the nation's favourite posh family, their granny celebrated her Diamond Jubilee, with her being the poshest person in the world for the last 60 years. The nation celebrated her being richer and more important than them by having tea and sausage rolls in the street with neighbours they normally don't talk to or give a shit about.


In 2012 the world was gripped by the biggest end of the world panic since the Y2K superbug threatened to plunge airplanes out of the sky, reset the clocks on DVD players and wipe out all global electronic money, resulting in us all using bottle caps as a new form of currency. This latest hysteria was because a bunch of people who lived 5000 years ago decided that 21.12.12 was the day the Earth lost control of it's bowels and we would all be shat into oblivion, via some strange and unlikely catastrophic event. Yes I'm talking about the Mayan 2012 Doomsday prophecy. We were all swamped by summer blockbusters, dodgy documentaries and religious crackpots screaming 'Repent! The end is nigh!' and all manor of bullshit. Of course, we woke up on 22nd of December realising that the Earth's bowels were in fine working order and we shouldn't have worried after all. It then transpired that the ancient Mayans had brought out another 5000 year calendar, most likely a swimsuit version. It turns out that the biggest disaster of 2012 was Disney's 'John Carter'.


Mentioning the name 'Sandy' used to provoke sentimental memories of Summer Loving, Grease Lighting and You're the One that I Want. This was when Olivia Newton John was a high school sweetheart and before John Travolta went all weird and Scientologisty on us. Post 2012, mentioning Sandy will provoke bad memories of the second costliest storm in USA history, next to Katrina. Sandy swept all along the Eastern seaboard, from The Caribbean through eastern US states all the way up to eastern Canada. 24hr rolling live news footage beamed the wind and rain into the homes of people across the world and the spectacle became perversely surreal. When the winds had dissipated and the toll was being calculated, a total of 253 people had lost their lives and a conservative estimate of $65.6 billion worth of damage was done to homes, businesses and infrastructure.

The US has sadly become used to tragedy striking in recent years, which has given the people a sense of readiness, communal strength and stoicism. However, nothing could have prepared them for the events of December 14th, when a man gained entry to the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, shot and killed 20 schoolchildren aged between 6 and 7yrs, and 6 members of staff, before turning a gun on himself. As news about the tragedy broke the full extent of the massacre was not yet known, and the world watched in horror as more details leaked out. This wasn't helped when US news channels (desperate to be first with the latest breaking details) broadcast misleading reports, including getting the name of the shooter wrong. They broadcast his name as Ryan Lanza, who was actually the brother of the gunman Adam. As soon as the name Ryan Lanza broke, the pitchfork brigades on Twitter were already harrassing the accounts of anyone who happened to have that name. Truly Twitter at it's worst. In the days since, the NRA have come under massive pressure, as have politicians, to change the laws on gun ownership. This argument will no doubt continue throughout 2013, with news crews there to report, scandalise, sensationalise and fulfill the political agenda of their shareholders.


And Finally
Moving on to more important matters, namely Tulisa's sexy sexy sex tape with rapping nobody MC Ultra. I say sex tape, I mean shaky mobile phone footage of Tulisa slapping herself in the face with MC Ultra's undersized penis. It is probably the sexiest You've Been Framed clip since the one with the guy in a field with his trousers around his ankles, fending off an aroused and slightly 'rapey' boy donkey:

Sir Abs-alot

Twi-hards around the world were left horrified and stunned with the news that Kristen Stewart cheated on sparkly faux-vampire Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders, the director of her movie 'Snow White and the Huntsman'. Rumours around Hollywood abound that kissing Kristen Stewart tastes like vinegar and lemons. It would certainly explain all of her movie performances. Meanwhile werewolf-faced Sir Abs-alot Taylor Lautner has also attempted his own solo projects, including formulaic action flick 'Abduction'. His most successful role to date however, was in portraying the 10yr old fat son of a bear obsessed psycho in the movie 'Ted'. Apparently in preparation for the role, he lost 12 inches in height, all of his muscles, gained 5 stones in fat and reversely aged 10 years.

2012 is also the year Planet Earth and it's dog started dancing Gangnam Style. The South Korean pop tart Psy's global hit became an internet meme, and a well loved slice of 2012. Take note Rebecca Black - next time you want to release a truly terrible pop song, just sing in a foreign language so no one will realise the lyrics are nonsense, make a video with a silly dance routine and you too could have one billion views on Youtube, and number ones on Mars and Pluto.


Well, that's it folks. 2012 in a withered old husk of a nutshell. Hopefully in 2013 we will have more fun, the economy will be less bleak, there will be fewer disasters and fewer celebrities running around making complete tits of themselves.

Kieran x