Politics (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bastard)

Politics, eh? Isn't it just? I pride myself on being quite politically aware. As a result I hate politicians. I was taught that you should always vote, no matter what. Afterall, it's what generations fought and died for in the Hell that was 2 world wars. It's hard to argue against that but if you will allow me to play Devil's advocate for a moment, I put it to you that if those brave souls who crossed No man's land in the Somme, only to fall (thanks to the incompetence and blind arrogance of their superiors) were alive to see how politicians have behaved in recent years, they might not find very many of them vote-worthy either. But enough of this soapboxery, I digress.

The Ladyboy's Not For Turning

Our current government are a coalition between the Conservatives (Or 'Tories'), and The Liberal Democrats. One could be forgiven for thinking that the Conservatives are a party of superiority and elitism in all walks of life. That may have been the case once, but the Tories have come a long way in a relatively short period of time. It was only 50yrs ago in the 1963 election for the Smethwick area, Conservative candidate Peter Griffiths campaign featured the slogan "If you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Labour". Shamefully, they won. These days, any elitism that exists would be more along economic lines rather than racial ones. Still, since it is a new year, this is the perfect time to take stock of where this nation stands politically, and for my regular readers from various countries oversees who are not familiar with British politics, let me indulge you. If you fancy voting, then there is a wide range of white, middle class, middle aged, entitled gentlemen to vote for. Such fine specimens. And when I say "specimens" I mean the kind you leave in a little jar for the hospital to find out just how ill you are. Let me run through some of the main parties and their leaders who regularly jostle for your vote.

First there is the leader of the Conservative party and our current Prime Minister, Emperor David "Silence, you lowly serf!" Cameron. Next, there is the leader (?) of the Liberal Democrats, current deputy Prime Minister and Emperor Cameron's general dogsbody, Nick "I remember when I had a spine" Clegg. The leader of the opposition and The Labour Party's chief is Ed "Little Boy Lost" Miliband. If you are Scottish then you can vote for amateur Shrek lookalike and Scottish First minister, The SNP's Alex "I'm William Wallace in a tie, you know" Salmond. Moving onto the smaller parties, if you're a pious goody two-shoes then you can vote for the tree hugging, hemp-wearing, baby seal petting Green Party. If you fancy embracing your inner cunt and feel that Britain was better trading in slaves and working them to death in foreign plantations, then you might want to shame your family and ancestors by voting for the ultra right wing BNP's Nick "Hitler was just deeply misunderstood, the poor chap" Griffin.  If fascism isn't for you but you still like plenty of xenophobia and bigotry, then you might like to try BNP-lite, the UKIP's leader Nigel "It's all Johnny-Bloody-Foreigner's fault" Farage. 

Emperor Cameron (Conservatives).

"Wipe the Plebs Out. All of Them"

Our glorious leader. He who is from on high. The man with the plan. Thatcher in mittens. Emperor David "Fetch me my hand gel Nicholas, I just shook a pleb's hand" Cameron. Big Dave Cameron became leader of the Conservatives when he won their annual "Posh Boy of the Year" competition. After capitalising on the unpopularity of the previous Labour government in 2010 (Just like Labour's Tony Blair did in 1997) David barely won the general election that year. It didn't go all Dave's way however. Their was still enough people who voted elsewhere to ensure that the Conservatives didn't get a majority. To get the majority he so craved, he was therefore forced to jump into bed with, and make mad passionate love to, the Liberal Democrats' Nick Clegg. But more on little Nick later.

And so Emperor crowned himself Grand Master of all he surveyed, and a general king amongst men. Just like the Mafia however, every don needs a chief enforcer. A man with no morals, who will get the job done regardless of how many lives he ruins. Emperor Cameron found that man in fellow posh boy and millionaire and his Sith apprentice George "The great unwashed are only statistics afterall" Osborne, or to give him his title Lord Darth Osborne.

Darth Osborne: The Emperor's Chief Enforcer

 Osborne decided that the best way to lower national debt and boost the economy was to cut public spending (especially for those on benefits and the disabled who are forced to claim Disability Living Allowance) by ridiculous levels. Darth Osborne's motto being "If they have no bread then let them eat dust. Just let us tax it first". Cue a massive growth in emergency food banks, unemployment soaring, record home repossessions and general social unrest manifesting in various workers union strikes, public protests and in some cases rioting in the streets. All in a day's work for the Emperor's own Frank Nitti. 

Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats)

Nick Ponders the Tealady Vacancy

Nick "What is thy will, oh mighty Emperor?" Clegg is possibly the biggest national disappointment since Jemini came last in Eurovision 2003 with their musical abortion 'Cry Baby' (no pun intended). Nick was once a shining light in British politics, a young fresh-faced upstart who promised to shake up politics and destroy the traditional two party politics in Britain. When the result of the 2010 election came in and with neither Labour nor Conservatives managing to win an overall majority, Nick found himself in the extremely influential position of kingmaker. Whomever he chose to form a coalition with would have to make serious concessions to the Lib Dems in terms of policies. Labour, the Lib Dems ideologically closest allies didn't negotiate too hard, as they probably figured that a spell in opposition was best, since they had become so bloody hated in Britain. And so it was left to the Conservatives. As most working class people gnashed their teeth at the prospect of 4-5 years of Emperor Cameron's rule, they held out the hope that Nicky boy would be a Conservatives lion tamer, and put corks on the Emperor's horns.

Nicky Keeps Forgetting He's Not Conservative

Alas, to no avail. The first policy Nick wimped out on was his opposition to the Conservatives promise to up student tuition fees. Next was his backing of controversial reforms to the NHS championed by the Emperor, even though Lib Dems party members voted against it. Nick has therefore spent the last year and a half being the Emperor's mouthpiece and chief apologist, whilst methodically stealing supplies from the stationary cupboard. This is because his political future looks as likely as Costa Rica winning the World Cup, or The USA invading a country that doesn't have any oil.

Ed Miliband (Labour)

Cracking Campaign Poster, Gromit!

Edward "Look Mum! I'm in the House of Parleyment!" Miliband is the leader of the Labour party, and as such is the leader of the opposition. This was achieved when he stabbed his brother and fellow M.P. David, in the back because David kept stealing his Matchbox cars. Ed snuggled up to the workers unions in his party and won the leadership. Unfortunately for Ed, he always has an air of a schoolboy about him. If you see footage of him on the news visiting some factory/military base, or nursing home he always looks slightly panicked and scared. Like a little boy who has lost his mum in Marks and Spencers but is trying to put a brave face on it -look on any random Youtube clip and you'll see what I mean. Some day soon I expect Emperor Cameron to get the better of Miliband in Prime Ministers

 Questions sufficiently enough to cause Ed to burst into tears.

Ed Getting a Pasty & Cake With His Lunch Money

Eddy has an easy job right now. All he has to do is criticize Emperor Cameron and Darth Osborne's treatment of the poor and working families and tell the media that he would do things differently. He hasn't yet explained exactly what he would do, but telling the press that the Conservatives are a shower of absolute bastards seems enough for now. It's not all plain sailing for Eddy-boy however, as he finds himself in a very awkward situation regarding the unions who put him in power in the first place. Naturally, he is politically centre in his ideology. However, as most unions are raving socialist lefties, this puts him in direct conflict with his own supporters. This became clear with the most recent spate of public sector strikes because of the government's plans to screw over their pensions and their salaries. The unions expected his full support. Instead, they got wishy-washy half-hearted non committal responses. Obviously he just wanted to hide in his bedroom and play with his Action Man until it all went away, the poor little lamb.

Alex Salmond (SNP)

Fffrrreeeeedooommm, Donkey!

Rabid Patriot and Jabba the Hut-alike, Alex "Why can't you understand we're being royally shafted by Westminster, the bunch of horses arses" Salmond is the leader of the ruling party in Scotland, the SNP, and as such is Scotland's First Minister. As people in Scotland increasingly tired of Labour screwing things up, increasing numbers of voters turned to the SNP. Enough turned in favour of the nationalist party that they won an overall majority in the last Hollyrood elections. The SNP seem to have done a decent job, although there is the constant fear that they will sooner or later completely fuck things up for themselves. SNP policies include free bus passes for the elderly and the disabled, free medical prescriptions for everyone regardless of class, and ensuring that further education for all, including college and university students remains completely free.

Before embarking upon his political career, Salmond used to be an economist. This makes him a skilled debater and a formidable opponent during First Minister's Questions. However, as a former economist, he is immediately placed under suspicion of being a complete and total bastard. In their pursuit of Scottish independence which they ardently believe will benefit Scotland, they have penciled a referendum on independence in 2014. Battle lines have been drawn on both sides, so expect constant "Yes!/No!", "It'll be great/it'll be shit", "We'd thrive alone!/We're all gonna die!" and so on.

Nick Griffin (BNP)

Vote For Me!

"Fucking cunt". "Wanking fascist scumbag". "Cocksucking douchebag". And those are just the descriptions of him on Twitter. Nick "Get out of my country, you non-Caucasian, non-British toerag!" Griffin is the leader of the ultra right wing party, the BNP. The BNP believe in freedom of speech, freedom of movement and freedom for all. That's so long as you, your children, your parents and your grandparents were born in Britain, are white, Christian and will swear an oath of allegiance to Winston Churchill and the Queen.

It is believed that Griffin slimed his way out of a swamp somewhere but apparently he was born like a human, from a lady's womb and everything. Nick made his parents proud from an early age when he regularly attended National Front meetings, which is like studying Sociology at university, only a university for knuckle-dragging racist fuckrags.

Well Fuck You Too

After he figured he could get more success as an elder statesman figure, Nick decided to go into politics, and muddy the British political gene pool even further. And so now he looks for every last scrap of publicity he can get, including posting the address of a gay couple on Twitter and encouraging like minded troglodytes to go pay them a visit and give them "A bit of drama". All because they won a court case against a B&B owner who discriminated against them. Just to remind you all, this is 21st century Britain we're living in. Go figure.

Nigel Farage (UKIP)

After a Tough Election Campaign

Imagine if Nick Griffin was a Conservative. That's Nigel. Nige is pro-Union Jack, pro-monarchy, pro-scone, pro-Earl Grey tea and pro-bowler hat and umbrella. He is anti-everything else. Nige's party UKIP believe that Britain should leave Europe and say "Keep your sausages Kraut! We don't need your garlic wreaths, Frog! We already have your curry recipes Sanjay!" Yes, he's a dyed in the wool, bona fide biscuit dunking, plane crash surviving corgi-botherer. Perhaps he has been deeply psychologically scarred after one terrible Eurovision Song Contest entrant too many.

And so there you have it! A wide choice of candidates who would beat their granny repeatedly with a scared puppy for your vote. All of them are white, middle aged (mostly) middle/upper class men. Never before have we, as voters, known such diversity! So when you go to the polls to back one of these fine specimens, just think, what would Chuck Norris do?