Lo! Jack Frost, He Cometh

Ermmmmmm No.....

Brrrrr, it's bloody freezing outside! I want you to know that as I write this my penis has retracted up around my ribcage for warmth, and my nipples could cut diamond.


Yes, Jack Frost is here and he's in a foul mood. We're all living in a winter wonderland and news crews have been out in force to record footage of people struggling through 7 feet of snow, and pensioners landing on their arse because of icy patches. A little reminder to Sky News: this is not 'You've Been Framed', stick to dramatic headlines, hyperbolic soundbites and Kay Burley being a complete twat to her interviewees.




Winter isn't like 'The Snowman' cartoon, no matter how many choirboys sing in it. If you want more realistic lyrics then forget 'We're walking in the air', try singing this to The Snowman theme:

'I've fallen on my arse.
I think I have a broken hand.
The news crew waited there
to film me as I land'


But don't let Hollywood fool you, Jack isn't some white-haired Justin Bieber clone with some shitty tree branch as a magical walking stick. He doesn't have a hard as nails Santa

That's More Like It

and a creepy mute borderline sex offender Sandman as friends. Indeed, if they're out there, they probably think Jack Frost is as much of a twat as we think he is. No, Mr Frost is a withered, senile old bastard who is clearly a sadist. He won't care if you're 80yrs old and can't afford to pay your heating bill. So, if he doesn't care about your poor desperately vulnerable granny dying of hypothermia, do you think he will give 2 shits about you falling on your arse when you slip on some ice?


Sure, children love frosty mornings, snowy days, sledges, snowball fights and snowmen. But let's face it, that's only because children on the whole, are idiots. Just wait until they're being brought up on a disciplinary by Human Resources for being late to work, explaining (truthfully) that they got to work as soon as they could, and HR still threatening to fire them. Then the little fuckers will know what snow days are all about.


So gird your loins, put on an extra pair of socks and get out there. And if smug little children throw snowballs at you as you pass by, then make sure you throw one back as hard as you can. Just remember to put a razorblade in it. And if you end up on your arse, just curse Jack Frost and his curmudgeonly ways and promise him that if you two ever meet, you will cut his frostbitten testicles off.

Kieran x