The Week that Wasn't - UK Edition 16.3.2013

Pope Francis' First Official Photograph.

The Right Hand of God.
The Universe now has a pope once again! As people congregated in St Peter's Square, all eyes were on a little chimney on a roof. All of a sudden white smoke rose from it, indicating that we had ourselves a white pope. There were cheers and singing and jubilation, and the Pope's own groupie nuns grew evermore moist in areas which have been arid since they went into the Convent. I've always thought that if deodorant and antiperspirant companies want a truly winning product capable of astonishingly long lasting dryness, no matter what the circumstances, then they should concentrate their reseach in the area of nuns' vaginas.

So it's Pope Francis then. Stupidly (though not unexpectedly) the conclave of cardinals ignored my previous recommendation of Chuck Norris, and went with yet another traditionally conservative old fart for a Pontiff. All may not be lost though. Rumour has it that the Pope is 'soft' on condoms which defeats the purpose of condoms in the first place really. It is whispered that the new Holy boy thinks that the use of condoms is permissible solely for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases spreading. So a big hurray for Papa Frankie then. But not so fast, because Frankie-boy is violently anti-gay. So in summation, it's OK to fuck a hooker with a condom so you won't get AIDS, but if you dare kiss that handsome lad you really like, then it doesn't really matter what you wear, on your cock or otherwise, because you're going to Hell anyway. Ok cheers for the clarification on that Frankie.

Francis Enjoys the View of his Groupies.

The Pope may only be a few days into his new role, and he probably hasn't even finished unpacking all the crockery, but already politicians are trying to use him for political points scoring. It won't be a colossal shock to discover that our own Prime Minister Emperor Cameron was one of them. Being native Argentinian, Francis was once quoted as saying that the Falklands were 'Argentinian soil usurped by the British'. Having the spiritual leader of 1.2 billion people saying that your country is a bunch of thieving cunts is unacceptable for any leader, so it's no surprise that Cameron came out and in the nicest, politest way possible, told God's representative on Earth to fuck right off. Not surprisingly, the Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has been gleefully piling on the pressure to such an extent that President probably cums when hearing the name 'Pope Francis'. Meanwhile, the people of the Falklands (having recently voted with a majority of 99.8% to stay with Britian) go to school, wash their cars, travel to and from work, have dinner and wishes everyone else would just fuck off and leave them to live their lives.

'You Look More Like Your Dad Every Day'.

All the King's Horses and All the King's Trustafarians.
The Daily Mail lives up to it's usual exemplary standards of journalism by making a major song and dance about a picture of some posh fellow pinching the ear of the future King as he watches a horse race. Said future King's wife chuckles heartily at the high jinx displayed by said posh fellow. The last time the future king and his posh fellow friend had their ears so seductively fondled they were at Eton. Prince William and his recently inseminated animated clothes horse of a spouse were pictured at the Cheltenham Festival of racing. They decided to put bets on which of the horses would be the bestest, and which horses would be shot and turned into someone's lasagne later that day. The young royals had a simply wonderful day of betting with their trustafarian chums. Bravo! Good going Daily Mail! Bringing us all the latest crucial news on the lifestyles of the other half that we can neither aspire to be, or emulate. Meanwhile, the 6yr old daughter of a single parent who works as hard as she can because her benefits were drastically reduced, merrily tucks into a microwave lasagne made from the remains of one of the future king's horses, whilst drawing a crayon picture of a pretty horsey to proudly display on the fridge. And so the world turns....

'Unexpected Item in Stomach Area'.

Expertly Hidden.

A husband got the shock of his wife's life recently when his wife discovered a 4" serrated knive sticking out of Morrison's bakery loaf of bread. The wife apparently spotted it straight away and removed it before any harm was done. I'm absolutely certain that the husband was greatly relieved that his wife wasn't hurt in the incident, and that he in no way secretly inserted the blade on the way home...... Not only does it reflect poorly on Morrison's bakers, but it doesn't show much faith in their self service checkouts. The machine is so sensitive that it can detect 1 stray empty shopping bag on the scale, but it completely misses the 'unexpected item' in the bread. Lesson for the day? Be grateful that some of your purchases only contain horsemeat, because if you're not careful, one day you might find a razor blade in your waffles, a chainsaw in your sponge cake and 100% beef in your lasagne.

Hamza Poses for the Paparazzi.

The World's Shittest Bond Villian.
Radical comedy cleric and potential Bond Villian Abu Hamza has been moaning about getting replacement prosthetic whilst in prison. Islam's worst self-appointed spokesman since Osama bin Laden has been whining about how he has not been allowed his famous hook, and instead has been given, hilariously, a spork. Muslim shitbag Hamza's lawyer has been on record stating that the sporks were "not accomplishing what he needs accomplished". I can only presume that he has 2 accomplishments: 1. Without his scary hook he will seriously have trouble misrepresenting Islam. Perhaps without his silly Bond villian image people will the Papealise that Islam is a noble and peace-loving religion who's teachings have been twisted, abused and bastardised by Abu and his fuckwit pals. 2. He can't properly scratch his arse anymore. Hamza should be pleased though, because at least masturbation will be a less nerve shredding experience. Using sporks will cut down on washing up, and he'll be able to toss a mean salad.