The Week that Wasn't -UK Edition. 6th March 2013

One Less Lonely Gamer.

"Seriously?! Another Halo Game?!"

Justin Bieber has been at it again. Apparently he tried his best to be a stroppy little diva before his London O2 Arena gig (For definition of diva, see 'cunt'). Rumour has it he allegedly kept fans waiting for hours whilst he played video games because he couldn't be arsed going on stage for his fans. And why not? I mean those fans only bought him that video game as well as every one luxury he enjoys, so surely they should expect him to get some enjoyment out of it. Rumour has it that nothing gets him more excited than completing another level on Little Big Planet, and Sackboy, who he had dressed as a pimp, was on a huge roll. One lucky fan who won a competition to meet Justin said that she spent just 10 seconds in his presence. Just as well really, or given the hysterical state of some fans, if she had met him for 15 seconds the poor girl's head might have fucking exploded. If this is how Justin acts now, just wait until he starts going through puberty....







Because She's Worth It.

"Can Anyone Smell Something a Bit Funky?"

Speaking of confused girls, a girl recently received a bottle of sperm as a gift, thinking it was moisturiser. Just pause for a moment to let that sink in, pardon the pun. A girl received a bottle of sperm as a gift. Now, either her admirer is attempting to start a new trend on romantic gifts, or he is not an admirer, and is clearly questioning her chastity. Perhaps the loved-up sender (or should that be 'Fucked up sender'?) thought Vincent van Gogh cutting off part of his ear and presenting it as a gift to his lover was passe. "I wanted to give her a part of me, but I can't stand blood or pain. So I wanked into a cup and tied a bow around it". And they say romance is dead. Secondly - Apparently the girl was half way through the bottle before she realised that there was something a bit "iffy" about this gift. How many applications did it need for her to realise that it might not have been approved by the Dermatological Association? Perhaps she thought that Clinique had rolled out a new cum-scented line in beauty products. A facial mousturiser simply called "Facial". An anti-aging skin preparation called "Pearl Necklace", and an overnight product called "Happy Ending". A product line rich in protein, mitochontria, DNA etc. At least it gives men gift options. Gentlemen! Have you forgotten to give your wife an anniversary present? Never fear, just grab her favourite coffee mug and nip into the toilet for 5 minutes.



Bessie's Gone to Iceland.

A Worker in Shock, Having Just Lost His Right Hand

A mum has recently been moaning about how her little girl found a clump of cow hide in her pack of Iceland mince. Perhaps the portion of cowhide belongs to Kerry Katona, afterall it would explain Kerry's recent weight loss. Still, the mum shouldn't be moaning, at least her child is being fed cow for a change. Icelend seem to be fucking up to almost Hugh Grant standards, with the various types of animal in their different products. Now I expect their ice cream to contain kittens and their garlic baguettes to contain 100% poisoned rats. The product I would be most concerned about though is their Pepperoni Pizzas. Who knew horse penis could be so spicy?



Sir Alan, Death and Taxes.

Big Al About to Tear Someone a New Arsehole

The 2010 winner of The Apprentice Stella English has been in court suing former boss, the corporate world's Mr Limbkins, Sir Alan Sugar, for 'Constructive Dismissal'. She is claiming that she was an overpaid, glorified errand girl. This isn't overly shocking, as the idea of Sir Al finding the next Sir Al on a reality show is pretty far-fetched anyway. The Apprentice was on a £100,000 per year wage and did very little of any great degree of importance, so in many respects she could have easily been a cabinet minister for a year. Her sorry tale immediately provokes visions of her dressed as a street waif approaching Big Al's right hand man Nick Holzherr, empty business diary in hand and saying "Please Sir, I want some more". At which point Nick, with astonishment whacks her with a ladle and exclaimes "What!?". I guess Benjamin Franklin was right when he said that "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes and being fired by Sir Alan Sugar". Or something like that. In any case, her contract wasn't renewed, Sir Al allegedly said "I only do it for the PR and don't give shit" and she was subsequently found surplus to requirements. Sounds just like Manchester City and Robinho........