1 Dildo, 35 Arseholes and a Samurai Sword.

Dante's 7th Circle of Hell.

Every time I go out I notice a significant amount of arseholes. These days there seems to be more and more of them. Perhaps it's due to my slightly sheltered childhood, but I never knew there were so many arseholes out there. I also had no idea that the arsehole-nice person ratio was so high. It seems to me that for every 3 people you meet, one of them will be an arsehole. And a 33.3 arsehole percentage is far too high. There are different categories of arsehole. There are arrogant arseholes, rude arseholes, aggressive arseholes, ignorant arseholes, and generic arseholes. And chances are that you've encountered a few of those categories of arseholes already today.

Pandora's Box.

I realised this when I encountered a middle aged businessman on the train earlier today, who was wearing a very expensive suit, and who could be described as a crossover arrogant/ignorant arsehole. I was about to get off the train when he shoulder barged me into the side of the doors and he got off and briskly went away. Perhaps it was best that he made a swift exit, or he may have found himself on the tracks underneath the train. I didn't need to feel bad though, as the arsehole tried to get through the automatic doors, he bumped into a much bigger, aggressive-type arsehole, who promptly sent him flying, landing on his own arsehole. His briefcase went flying and burst open upon impact with the crowded platform. The wind took most of the arsehole's paperwork and deposited it on the tracks, leaving a half eaten sandwich and (I swear this is true) a red ball gag and pink dildo. See? Sometimes Karma gets up off her lazy arse and gives you a dose. I walked over to the business arsehole, leaned over and said 'Life is a fucking bitch, isn't it?' and stepped over him.


So what causes people to be arseholes, and on occasion, downright cunts? Well, I may have the answer: it's because everyone else is an arsehole. When people are arseholes to you, don't you just feel like being an arsehole back? But the problem is that the offending arsehole has gone, as well as the chance of being an arsehole right back. I call it 'Revenge Arseholery'. If that opportunity has gone, then why not be an arsehole to some other poor fucker? In that way everyone is an arsehole, because everyone else is an arsehole. And so the nevending cycle of arseholery continues. And it's not just public tranport users who are arseholes.

Screw You Too Fuckface!

What about road rage? This country is chalk full of arseholes who seem to think they own the road. I love it when taxi drivers call white van drivers rude, ignorant arseholes. Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a cunt? Cut someone up in your car if you like, just pray that you don't hit a set of lights immediately after, or that other person might be a bigger arsehole than you are, jump out of their car, and cut YOU up - with the samurai sword they carry in their boot. The media never miss a beat when reporting an incidence of road rage:




"We now go live to the High Court where our reporter Bernard Cribbenshaw has been getting the latest news in the Croydon Killer Car Chase case. Bernard, can you tell us what has been happening in court today?"

I'm Not Getting Paid Enough for This, Jonathan.

"....I can't hear him. I can't hear anyth...Hi Jonathan. Yes, the court has been hearing how after a short altercation whilst driving, the victim Mr James Smith came to a red light when the accused, Mr Frank Bradley, allegedly jumped out of his car and emptied his fully automatic Uzi 9mm into the driver's side of Mr Smith's car. It is alleged that the accused then wiped his bum with the victim's neck tie. Bradley, 41, from Croydon, denies murder, however his defence is willing to plead guilty to him being an arsehole. The case continues tomorrow. Back to you in the studio Jonathan"



So tomorrow, when you are going home during the rush hour, try to be nice to people and not an arsehole, or else next time it might be YOUR dildo rolling around a train platform. And if someone cuts you up whilst driving home, don't get angry. Just hope and pray that the fucker gets his comeuppance, and he might just spend his evening having his corpse cut from the wreckage of his car by firemen.

Kieran x