The Week that Wasn't - UK Edition (10 / 02 / 2013).

Off the back of my regular 'Week that Wasn't' column in The Glaswegian newspaper which rounds up local news in the city of Glasgow, I have decided to do a UK-wide version. What a wonderful week for news this has been. That's if you also deem getting shat on by a bird, or bitten by a dog, or stuck sitting next to a urine-soaked tramp on a bus for an hour 'Wonderful'.


Speedind Tickets and Diarrhoea-ridden Rhinos.

I Got 99 Problems and a Bitch is One.

Accept-a-speeding-ticket-for-a-sneaky-bastard-gate rumbles on in the news with the depressing monotony of a lazy rhino suffering from crippling diarrhoea being forced to march at gunpoint towards a pack of rhinos really annoyed with him and who are about to tear him a new arsehole. Recently the ex-wife of disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne told a journalist about taking some speeding points for him because she owed it to the electorate to expose his 'true character'. The latest is that said ex wife is claiming that Huhne forced her to have an abortion because it was 'bad timing financially and for his career'. Now she has claimed that he he tried to force her into getting a second abortion but on the day she refused to go through with it. And all this is being revealed to expose his 'true character'. Right. Nothing at all to do with him being her ex husband then? No, of course not. Better late than never I suppose. Surely if she wanted him to expose his true character then she should have let him get on with his job, and his policies would have exposed his alleged cunt-osity soon enough. Still, as they say; 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a woman scorned with undeserved points on her license is an absolute bastard'. Or something like that.


'I Have a Cunning Plan...'

Rowan Enjoying His Courtesy Car.

Rowan Atkinson's insurers have agreed to pay out a record amount of £910,000 to get his limited Edition McLaren F1 supercar repaired after he crashed it into a tree. Perhaps when explaining the incident to claims investigators his did an impression of the hopelessly adorable Mr Bean and they let him off. The clumsy and likeable nature of Mr Bean with the mind of cunning Edmund Blackadder? No wonder the poor suckers paid out. Well played Edmund, but you can forget your No Claims Discount. That's still wrapped around the tree you assaulted.





False-Start as You Mean to Continue.

Lewis During His 1st Stage Interview.

Lewis Hamilton has crashed his F1 car at nearly 200mph on his first trial session into his new job with McLaren. Most people are afraid to get their boss' name wrong on their first day, not to write off one of their bosses cars. Two question springs to mind though: How the hell did that lad ever get his license in the first place, and after Mr Bean's mishapd, what is wrong with McLaren cars? Perhaps steering wheels are an 'optional extra'.









I Bet Shergar Tasted Delicious.

Findus: A Passion for Horses Food.

If yo're thinking of having that Findus Beef Lasagne for dinner tonight, I wouldn't bother if I were you. That's because latest tests on the products showed that out of 18 samples tested 11 contained 60% horse, whilst 1 sample contained 99% horsey. At least you know what happens to all the fallers at the Grand National - they're whisked away to become your dinner in time for You've Been Framed starting. The scary thing is that there is a serious fear of carcinogenic horse painkillers having been introduced to the human food chain. Just enough to give you cancer, but not enough to actually see any of the benefits of being on animal painkillers. Truly a crime. The Government have said that this will not be the end of revelations over other meat products. One is therefore forced to wonder what else could be revealed. Dogs in dogfood? Monkey brains in chicken dippers? Sawdust in hotdogs? At least it will be exciting finding out what other shit we've been shovelling into our faces. So if the last time you had a lasagne you got a dose of the trots, you'll wonder why. Sorry.




Arrivederci Signore Headcase.

Mario Heads the Hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

Some Man City fans will be sad to see the back of part-time footballer and full-time mentalist Mario Balotelli as he headed off to join AC Milan. Still, little Mario was only 14 minutes into his unveiling press conference in Milano when he got a talking to from Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani over an answer Mario gave to the press which was to the VP's displeasure. Adriano, you can't moan now, Mario is the craziest, most egotistical footballer in the world. If you don't know that then you only have yourself to blame. At least now Man City fans can join the rest of the world and laugh at the antics of Super Mario instead of cry.




Size 8 Heifers and the Inflatable Sex Doll.

Katie as Classy as Ever.

In her column in The Sun, the UK's most prolific oxygen thief Katie Price ( aka. Jordan, aka. Barbie doll gone wrong) has claimed that model/presenter Kelly Brook is a heifer. Katie, who likes to think of herself as a positive modern role model for women has just called another girl who is a size 8, a 'heifer'. If size 8's are heifers then I wonder what she would consider all those girls size 10 and up, who buy her numerous books and dvds. Perhaps those girls don't count because they make Jordan rich. Good going Jordan, as the song goes, 'Sisters are Bitching for Themselves'. Or something.