Soooo, the Pope eh? The Big Papal Cheese. Numero Uno Vaticano Honcho. The Man with the Holy Plan. And that plan is to do a runner. Perhaps the biggest, and most certainly the holiest story of the week is the Pope's shock decision to quit being God's representative on Earth. Over 1 billion Catholics were left reeling at the news which has caused the worldwide press to go absolutely fucking insane. The nation's Catholics could be forgiven for thinking that being pope is a lifetime calling, but it turns out that it is simply a temporary position which can easily be voided if something better comes along. In Pope Benny's case it's unemployment. The Vatican has certainly been unpopular lately, but you know it's bad when someone would rather be unemployed than live in a palace and be idolised by over 1 billion followers.
His brother said it was because he needed more rest time. I guess the standard 28 days annual leave wasn't good enough for him then. Before being elected pope, Benny (known at the time as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger) was well known for having the moniker 'God's Rottweiler'. Giving his reasons for quitting as old age and ill health, perhaps he noticed that his back legs were starting to give out on him. It's possible he overheard the other Cardinals discussing taking him to the vet to put him down, and decided to get out whilst he still had the front legs to carry him. 
So what now for His Royal Papalness after having dodged the vet's lethal injection? Perhaps doing the rounds of chat shows in the US is a good little earner for Joe and will help to keep his profile high. First stop Oprah, next Jay Leno, finally he could come over here to the UK for a very different experience and appear on The Jeremy Kyle show. I can image the title even now: "I accepted the job for life, now I can't take anymore! Lie detector test results". Jeremy can accost Joe for voluntarily becoming unemployed. "Why don't you get off your arse and find another job instead of expecting me and other taxpayers to support you?" *Cue thunderous applause from the zoo animals in the audience*. Perhaps semi-retirement is the ideal situation for Joe. If this is the case then a part time customer services job in a call centre dealing with for example, car insurance, will suit him better. Having him as claims handler would certainly be effective, as he could sort out your claim and forgive your sins all in the one call.
Joe: "Hello and bless you for calling R.I.P.O.F.F. Insurance. My name is Bene..... Joseph. How can I help you my child?".
Policy holder: "Forgive me Father, for I have wrapped my car around a tree".
Joe: "It's OK my child, just say five Hail Marys and kiss your no claims discount goodbye."
So what kind of pension will Joe be on now? My guess is £100 and 2 bars of Nazi gold per week. You must remember, when little Joe was naught but an alterboy himself he was in the Hitler Youth. I've always wondered if he sleeps with his Hitler Youth knife under is pillow. Afterall, the streets are rough in the ghettos of Vatican City, and he lives in a very fancy house with lots of artwork. Sure, he has his own private army, but you can never be too careful when it comes to home security. Perhaps he will follow the example of his Third Reich brethren and emigrate to somewhere in Argentina. Joe and Adolf can swap horsemeat recipes and reminisce about the good ol' days. Who knows, maybe he'll find a nice little alterboy he can settle down with and live happily ever after.
And so the search for Pope number 266 commences. There has been talk that the next pope could be black, after the names of a number of front runners have been banded about. A black pope is surely a sign of progress though, and as a Catholic myself it would be great to say that we have a brother for a father. I'm sure that as I type this Simon Cowell is currently whoring himself out to ITV again with the format of a show called 'Britain's Got Catholics'. I doubt the Vatican would be so modernistic though, afterall they still live in the 16th century. So there is more likely to be an interview process to narrow down candidates for the Cardinals to vote on. I can imagine the job advert appearing on Craigslist;
"Are you a man? Do you have an unnatural fondness for alterboys? Do you feel most comfortable in long flowing gowns? Do you like giving sex advice to the rest of the world although don't ever have sex yourself? Do you think women are less important than men and so should not be priests? If the answer to all those questions is 'Yes' then a career in the Vatican could be for you! We are currently advertising the vacancy of Managing Director and the successful candidate will start before Easter. Experience absolving people of their sins is an advantage although not essential, as training will be given upon commencement of employment. Note: The successful candidate will be proficient in deflecting blame, covering up child sex abuse scandals and will be fluent in Latin. Please reply ASAP as we expect a large number of responses. Bless you."
I'm sure that having accepted his resignation, God will be watching events in the Vatican with as much interest as the rest of the world. So God, if in the highly unlikely event that you are reading this, first of all, sorry. Secondly, please work in some mysterious way to make sure the new pope isn't a twat. And thirdly, what's up with wasps? What the fuck were you thinking? I mean, get that shit sorted out dude. Before I cement my place in Hell any further I say to you, go in peace. Bless you my child.
Pope Kieran x
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