Would the Real Pope Please Stand Up.

The Pope is dead (Metaphorically speaking) long live the next one! Although considering that the Vatican Conclave seem to vote for popes on the basis of which candidates' birth certificate is the most fragile, that's unlikely to happen. Yes, the Catholic World is waiting on tenterhooks to find out who their next Papa will be. It's like the elimination rounds of some shitty talent show called "The Pope Factor", without having had the enjoyment of watching a number of cardinals making complete tits of themselves in the audition stage, singing Whitney Houston's 'It's Not Right, but It's OK'. Quite an appropriate song choice for the clergy these days.

'I Don't Initiate Violence, I Retaliate'

A number of bookies' favourites have been touted, but other than the fact that some of them happen to be black, they all seem unremarkable. You know your church needs a proper kick up the arse in terms of modern pro-active publicity when possibly the most remarkable thing about your new leader is how active his melanocytes are. The Catholic Church therefore needs a new kind of pope. Someone who will sort shit out, introduce coolness to the religion, make it relevant in the 21st century, and also sort out world peace once and for all. In short, we need Chuck Norris. But as Chuck will no doubt be working on his hectic career of not doing much anymore, we will need to look further afield.



That's why I've taken it upon myself to compile a shortlist of alternative candidates for the position of Pope.


Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Excited by the Idea of Having a Home.

The expletive-ridden, controversy-fondling Beardy-Weirdy comedian hasn't been looking his best Lately. Having a beard you could hide a freshly crucified Jewish Messiah in, and having worn the same suit for the last 5yrs, one could be forgiven for thinking that Frankie is actually homeless. At least he'd have somewhere nice to lay his lice-ridden head at night. Thanks to him being booed off stage during BBC's Comic Relief set, he will be used to the same level of unpopularity most Pontiffs endure. Plus it would be worth making him Pope just to hear his Easter message in front of a packed St Peter's Square.


Justin Bieber.

Justin Models a New Line of Papal Underwear.

What he lacks in experience, he makes up for in hair styling products. Yes, super-swagged pop Ken doll Justin Bieber would be the ideal poster boy for the Catholic Church. Having over 35 million Twitter users who hang on his every word and cling to his every developing pubic hair, he's certainly used to unquestioning adoration. The Vatican is desperately trying to fend off the public image that the Catholic church is just a gentlemen's club full of Jimmy Saviles in dresses. So to have a teen running the place would certainly send out positive, albeit initially mixed, signals. Justin would still need to treble his security whilst in the Vatican, you know, just in case. At least there would then be "one less lonely Catholic" in the world.


Apple.

PeeWee Tests the New iPope Beta Version

Rumours on the internet are that technology giant Apple are about to throw their hat onto the Papal ring with their new product - The iPope. Details being leaked onto the web are that it will be fully compatible with all main Christianity formats, it can be recharged using the cigarette lighter in the Popemobile, it can say Mass in HD with a catalogue of catholicisms' most famous masses available to download from iTunes, and Siri will be voiced by Steve Jobs direct from the afterlife. It will have a 4G connection with Heaven and an app delivering the very latest notifications from God herself. They might even get that fucking autocorrect thing right. Rumours breaking last night are that Apple already have the iPope 2 in development.


Queen Elizabeth II.

'Screw You Guys, I'm Going Rome.'

Pastel-clad royal battle axe QE2 has enjoyed a lifetime of adoration, so it's only natural that in her final pampered years she is adored by over 1.2 billion people. She will soon be a great grandmother and will leave behind a fully functional family, with 1 prematurely bald grandson, 1 ginger half grandson, a closet gay son, an FA cup-faced widower son, a horse for a daughter-in-law, a grand daughter-in-law and her sister, both of whom are more admired for their outfits and arses than anything they actually say. It's nice to know that the UK's media has it's priorities right when they are more interested in what's in their skirts than what's in their heads. So now that her family are all growed up, she can change a life of sightseeing and shaking hands with a life of sightseeing and having her ring kissed. Her Papal ring that is. And her arse too. In that way she would be perfect, because in the grand scheme of things and in terms of making an impact on the working of the world, she's been as much use as a fucking chocolate teapot. Just like the last Pontiff.


The Reverend Ian Paisley.

'Me? Pope? Nooooo!'

If you fancy an outside bet, then crusty octogenarian and perennial big mouthed rabid sectarianite the Reverend Ian Paisley is theoretically perfect for the role, being a pre-made 'holy' man and an old bastard to boot. The only tiny little thing which might put an unholy spanner in the holy works is his overt protestantism. Perhaps living in that big fancy house in sun-kissed Rome, and having a selection of pimp-tastic hats might be enough of an incentive for him to convert to Catholicism. It may seem a little far-fetched, but remember, the last pope was once a Nazi.



So there you have it - my shortlist for Papal candidates who in their own way would be weirdly suitable for the job. And let's face it, they couldn't fuck the church up more than it already is. So onwards and upwards into the 18th century the Vatican must go, and a drastic change in candidate selection might just be the colossal kick in the balls it needs. And if any of these creatures become our next Papa, then you know I called it right, and we'll all go for beers to celebrate.