Dances With Smurfs.

Whilst chatting over a coffee in an overpriced coffee shop a friend of mines recently suggested that I try writing seriously for a change, rather than just this blog and my column in The Glaswegian newspaper. I told him that this WAS me writing seriously, which i'm sure you can imagine made the remainder of our coffee very awkward indeed. It was reminiscent of a couple who's relationship had completely fizzled out, but neither wanted to admit it, so spent the day punctuating the horrible silence with periods of painful small talk.

"Pauline? It's Tom.
Jesus is your Granda".

I've thought about writing novels before, but every time a semi-coherent plot formulates in my mind a movie/book immediately comes out which renders my idea dead in the water. I thought about a story where it transpired that Jesus' friend Mary Magdalene actually turned out to be his shag, rather than his Vatican approved fag hag. A historian called Tom then unravels a murderous plot which ultimately leads to the conclusion that his young female BFF Pauline actually turns out to be Jesus' granddaughter. The climactic scene is set in a small but intricately decorated church, where the historian calls Danielle to tell her the shocking news. I was all set to start typing, then Dan Brown came out with his book "The DaVinci Code". Damn.

My Vision for Das Boat.

Then I thought about a period piece story called "Das Boat" where a boy called Leo and a girl called Katie from opposite ends of the social and economic spectrum begin a romance on the world's most luxurious ship. The romance turns out to be doomed however when the ship hits an iceberg and sinks on it's maiden voyage in the middle of the Atlantic Sea. Most of the people die in the freezing water because there weren't enough lifeboats for everyone. Then I read somewhere about some ship called The Titanic or something. Bugger.

Avahontas....

Then I thought of a tale where an adventurer far from home discovers a civilisation completely alien to him. One of their native girls who though suspicious at first, befriends him, teaches him of their ways and soon love blossoms. Though scientifically and technologically backwards, the indigenous people have a respect for their land and mother nature. The adventurer learns respect and love for the people, and soon this becomes his home. But alas! The adventurer's own people who are warmongerers and have no love or respect for the land, show up and make war on the indigenous society so they can rape the land of it's precious natural resources. The adventurer then has to chose between his own people and his new home with his new love. Then I found out about Pocahontas and Dances With Wolves. Shitsticks.

James Cameron's Vision When 
Planning Avatar's Winning Formula

Still, if James Cameron can shamelessly and blatantly rip them off when making Avatar, then perhaps I shouldn't give a shit either. Either James Cameron has never heard of Pocahontas or Dances With Wolves, or he has brass balls the size of space hoppers. Afterall, making Kevin Costner's character a crippled space marine, and turning Pocahontas into a 12 foot tall Smurf still isn't enough to make it an original idea is it?

"It was instant lust when their eyes
met across the pot of boiling cabbage".

So what can I do for MY magnum opus? Well, it's a little late to jump on the 2012 doomsday scenario bandwagon, and sexually frustrated vampires have been done to death now. The in-thing right now is erotic stories involving sexually frustrated perverts and deviants, so perhaps if I'm quick there will be enough space on that bandwagon. Imagine if you will: A bored and sexually frustrated housewife meets a mysterious and dangerous chef at a cookery night class he is teaching at the local college. Her name is Pauline. His name is Gordon. He is Scottish and sweary and verbally abuses his pupils constantly by telling everyone that they are really shit at cooking and how he wouldn't serve the food they worked on so hard to the stray dogs in the alley behind the college building. This is a massive turn on for her. Cue chapter after chapter of unnecessarily filthy scenes where they cook various meals and eat them off one another by the open door of the cooker.

"The evil wizard looked on helplessly
as officers from Operation Yewtree
seized his laptop..."

I can call it "Fifty-Seven Varieties of Grey" or"Nine and a Half Woks" or something. If it sounds a little dull then I can always set it in some private school for wizards, and a subplot can involve Pauline's son Harold and his 2 friends Ronald and Harmony battling an evil big bald snakey-looking wizard who for some reason must not be named. Possibly for legal reasons, for example he is a suspected sexual predator being investigated by police for child abuse allegations commited whilst he himself was at the private school. If any of this sounds familiar to you, then I don't know what you mean because it's an original story of mines and I made it all up all on my own and I'll sue anyone who claims otherwise. Damn you James Cameron, you big-balled genius.