Irritable Cat Syndrome & Bloody Weddings.

Who Could Have Suspected the Evil
That Lurks Inside?

If I sound quite nasally in your head while you read this it's because I currently have a clothes peg on my nose. It's either that or spend the day being unconscious. Why, you may ask. Well it's thanks to my new pet cat Marley, the newest edition to my household. If you have seen my posts on my Facebook page then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Marley has the arse of a Leviathan with the consistency of the atomic clock. I have owned a couple of cats in the past and Marley is without a doubt the most flatulent cat I've ever known. I've even considered tying an odour neutralising air freshener around his tail so it dangles just behind his arse to soak up some of the evil. For those of you who are agnostic, or suffering a crisis of faith and are doubting the existence of God, Satan or any other kind of afterlife let me reassure you. Satan is alive and well, and is currently living in Marley's colon.

This is EXACTLY What's Going to Happen
on Our Wedding Day.

Away from matters feline, the Missus has been ill lately this time with a chest infection which for some reason has given her a license to be even more of a moany bastard than usual. This all culminated in an out of hours trip to the hospital because she couldn't breathe or something, I'm not sure, I really wasn't listening to be honest. You'll no doubt be glad to hear that she is almost all better now and that her lungs have returned to normal. This is handy, seeing as how we are getting married in a few weeks. Yes, I will officially sign over both ownership and custody of my balls to the Missus on June 22. I've been engaged for about 18 months now, which is a weird experience. Basically being engaged is like having ALMOST given up on life, but not quite yet. For 18 months now I have had the pre-marital sword of Damocles hanging over me, only that sword is in the shape of a massive wedding ring and it's positioned precariously over my genitals.

"What is She Wearing? Terrible, She Looks Like a
Dog's Dinner. Why I Remember the Days When..."

Thankfully the Missus is not a Bridezilla, quite the opposite in fact. She is only getting worked up and excited now, probably looking forward to getting a set of testicle-shaped earrings. The Missus wedding dress is hanging up in the wardrobe and she has made me promise her that I won't go peaking at it before the wedding. She's a traditional girl in that respect. I told her what's also a tradition is for the bride to stand the groom up at the wedding, but she either didn't take, or possibly ignored, the hint. We won't be having a honeymoon though. We had a pre-wedding honeymoon (to Milan which I have blogged about previously), so in other words although we did things backwards, at least we had a lovely holiday BEFORE we feel like stabbing one another in each other's sleep. Ours will not be a traditional wedding though, as my best man is going to be a woman, and the bridesmaid will be a man I can only hope the judgemental old bastard pensioners who gatecrash weddings and sit up the back judging the participants like wrinkly saggy-titted Simon Cowells will get in such a lather over this slightly untraditional wedding that one or more of them might have a heart attack. I will happily proceeed with the ceremony and with a smile on my face, whilst paramedics frantically attempt to resuscitate a pensioner on the back row of the church. Most marriages end in divorce these days, and it's fully possible ours will too, so at least we may as well get things over and done with as soon as possible. That's why on the morning of our wedding I will be filing for divorce, because I know the Missus appreciates thoughtful gestures like that.

But enough about irritable cat syndrome and bloody weddings, how are you? I hope you're keeping well. I've noticed a massive foreign readership of this blog, some of which are from the most surprising countries, a readership which just seems to keep growing. So let me just take this moment to thank you, regardless of where you live, for reading my blog posts, and I hope you find them as funny as I find them cathartic.

Kieran x