The Week that Wasn't - UK Edition 4.6.2013

Germany's Next Topless Model.

If Only Suffragette Emily Davison Had
Thought of This Rather Than Going to the Races.

Topless members of Ukraine-based feminist group 'Femen' recently stormed the stage of the final of 'Germany's Next Top Model'. As these unexpected guest judges were taken away by security, celebrity judge Heidi Klum was quoted to having said "I've just seen boobies in front of me!". It's understandable that Klum was shocked, considering how skinny most of the models on the show are, it's highly likely that the protestors' boobies were the only boobies to be shown on the whole series. Femen are well known for demonstrating at events they see as sexist, which includes sporting events and religious locations. Personally I'm an avid supporter of equality of the sexes and of feminism in general, however any Google image search of Femen leaves you with the impression that despite all their good intentions, they just seems like a bunch of girls looking to get their tits out in public at any opportunity. I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with their assessment of the 'Next Top Model' format, namely the show's producers, sponsers and the army of men tearfully wanking into a sock at home. They will say that the show promotes the power and individuality of women. Sure, in the same way desperate, abused, drug-addled prostitutes are simply exercising their own sexual empowerment.


Poor Little Black Sheep.

"Why Mr Evra, that is a fine crop of African hair
my handsome fellow ethnic friend".

Poor wee lamb Luis Suarez has this week threatened to quit Liverpool because he believes that he has been persecuted. Suarez has become the black sheep of English football, which has offended him on two levels. The Uruguayan playmaker, practicing racist and keen human flesh enthusiast obviously feels hard done by. He has a point. Afterall, everyone was queuing up to condemn him after biting another player, however they didn't sympathise when he had to ask for his teeth back after the match, because they were still embedded in the footballer's arm. And everyone was lambasting him for being a racist, however he was merely questioning Patrice Evra's parentage, whilst factually confirming Evra's skin colour. *This load of bullshit was brought to you in association with the British National Party. The BNP - bringing you society's shameful past, direct from the 19th century.

Throat Cancer and Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

"Kiss goodbye to me ever kissing that saggy
cobwebbed scrotum ever again, you old fart". 

Cinematic leg-end and shrivelled testicle lookalike Michael Douglas has blamed the throat cancer he was diagnosed with 3 years ago not on years of smoking and drinking, but on oral sex. That's right, according to Big Mick if you're a generous lover you may just get throat cancer, like he did. Mick is infamous for coming out as a sex addict in the past, and going into rehab for it. Obviously someone forgot to tell him that most men could be described as a sex addict and if they had to spend a month in rehab the world would grind to a halt. It seems that you can be addicted to anything these days, and the definition of "addicted" has been watered down so much that it is used to describe as little as a moderate interest in something. So I'd like to take this opportunity to admit that I am an addict *waits for a sympathetic applause*. I'm addicted to sex, cynicism, comedy, and generally being a miserable bastard. Oh and Bakewell tarts. What, no applause? Oh go fuck yourselves then. What Catherine Zeta-Jones thinks of Michael's latest well thought out admission is anyone's guess, but I suspect that Big Mick won't be given another chance to develop throat cancer again any time soon, and Catherine won't ever develop throat cancer now.


Scoop: Drugs Mule is Oxygen Thief Shocker!

X-Factor judge and chavtastic oxygen thief Tulisa has been a bit of a tit lately. She was recently caught in a sting by those exemplars of yellow journalism The Sun, bragging about her days as a drug dealer. She then arranged for one of her drug dealer pals London rapper MC Fuckstick to sell the undercover journo some cocaine. The Sun are now having a massive celebratory wank by reporting that Tulisa could be arrested by the cops. She was talking about how she used to transport drugs and then take her cut of the profits. So in other words, she was a low rent drugs mule. Hardly something to brag about. It's like boasting that you once worked in the porn industry, then admit that you were just the male porn star's fluffer. It's now very possible that Tulisa's prime time TV career is over. Still, there's always a place for her as an MP's coke mule. As with most subjects in this blog I like to include a picture, but I'd rather not give the oxygen thief any more publicity. So here is a picture of a plate:


Yet Another Tory Sex Scandal.

Shame. IDS and Pickles Would Have Made Such
Beautiful Sexy Time.

The Conservative party have been rocked by yet another sex scandal. With the Tories it's now got to the point that sexual deviance has become the most popular hobby for their MPs, just behind fucking rent boys and fucking the poor and disabled. One can only surmise that the ultimate turn-on for a Tory MP is fucking a poor, disabled rent boy. The latest rumoured scandal is said to be between 2 middle aged persons who are no longer in the cabinet. This automatically negates my initial guess of Eric Pickles and Iain Duncan Smith. My long-shot guess of Boris Johnson and Ann Widdecombe is still a distinct possibility though. Not long ago it came out that former Tory Prime Minister John Major had a prolonged affair with Edwina Curry. The very thought of this is possibly the most nauseating political union since David Mellor went around  shagging anything with a pulse in the 1990's. If Cameron is worried about his and Nick Clegg's torrid sex affair becoming public knowledge, it might be a little late. It's been an absolute shocker of a week for Emperor Cameron, after a fourth alleged victim of Nigel Evans went to the Police. The Tory MP and deputy speaker was arrested by the police for alleged rape and sexual assault of 3 other victims, from 2009 to 2013. Add to that Tory whip Patrick Mercer's resignation for lobbying questions in return for thousands of pounds without declaring it. All Cameron needs now is for Harry the Downing Street cat to be arrested for possession and distribution of catnip with the street value of £10k to Tulisa, for her to brag about to The Sun.