The Week that Wasn't - UK Edition 15.6.2013

So what's been happening lately then?

Global Domination and Wii Bowling.

Exclusive: The Churchill Dog is a
Bilderberger. Oh Yes!

David Cameron was recently invited to meet with the ultra secretive Bilderbergers. The Bilderbergers are a selection of the world's most powerful and influential people in the spheres of politics, economics, business and society, but who's exact membership is unknown. Naturally, as a result they are the subject of much conspiracy theories, ie they are The Illuminati, they are planning the inevitable One World Order etc. This year they met at the Grove Hotel in Hertfordshire, but considering the sinister theories I'm surprised they don't meet in a hollowed out volcano on some undiscovered island. They meet for a few days every year to shoot the shit, play scrabble and perhaps have a Wii Bowling round robin tournament. They invite a few extremely important politicians as guests, which rumour has it, is a kind of global domination vetting process. Tony Blair, George Dubbya and Bill Clinton have been invitees and now Emperor Cameron is the latest to brush upon his Wii skills. Perhaps the Bilderbergers ARE mapping out how the world markets will be shaped for 2013-2014 but I like to think that they sit in a big room reading the Daily Mail and tutting at poor people. One thing IS true though: The last time Cameron had to kiss so much arse and have his arse fondled improperly, he was at Eton College. Why 'Bilderbergers' you ask? Well, they first met in the Bilderberg Hotel in The Netherlands in 1954 and in the absence of an official name, that name stuck. Just as well they didn't start in recent years in one of the more popular hotels, or we might be referring to them as 'The Travelodgers'. And any group with THAT name would struggle to organise an orgy in a whorehouse.


Big Brother is Watching Your Porn.

"Oh My God, I Just Stood Up For Myself.
Emperor Cameron Won't be Pleased".

NeEmperor  the Country's most illustrious tea boy now, and Nick Clegg appears to have confounded all expert opinion by showing that he may possibly have a backbone afterall. In the wake of Drummer Lee Rigby's brutal murder, knee jerk reactions from moronic politicians have called for the long-abandoned Data Communications Bill to be implemented. The bill would allow for law enforcement agencies to monitor and store records of all UK citizens' internet use, web browsing history etc all without a warrant. Little Nick said that it wasn't proportionate and was over the top. He then had to rush to the toilet to evacuate his bowels, and had a stress-induced asthma attack. With this bill the blunderbus ex-politicians aren't throwing the baby out with the bathwater. They are drowning the baby in it. Then setting the house on fire. Then firing a tactical nuclear missile at the town the baby's house is in. Passing the Data Communications Bill to defeat terrorists is like outlawing skinny jeans to defeat hipsters. I firmly believe that the Government won't be happy until all UK citizens have tracking devices implanted in their spinal chord, have their day's thoughts and memories downloaded onto the Goverment mainframe for inspection, and have a leash shoved up their arse.


The Forthcoming EDL Spleen Shortage.

Know Your Royals!

Bad news for Xenophobes now, as it has been revealed that Prince William will be the first King with Indian Ancestry. This is due to DNA research which has traced his mother Diana's bloodline back to India. The EDL will shit their own spleens with rage at the prospect of having a part foreign monarch. Obviously no one has told them that the royal family are, in fact, German. Their family name is Saxe-Coburg, from the House of Hanover, but that doesn't sound English so enough they changed it to 'Windsor'. I'm sure the more moronic from the band of fuckrags known as the EDL will demand that Harry becomes king instead (Even though he's still Diana's boy). Given how Prince Charles isn't his real dad, God only knows where his DNA comes from. Button Moon probably.


Bravo, The Sun. Bravo.

The Sun website meanwhile has decided to lead with the story of a horny couple being jailed after having sex at Barnsley train station and letting random strangers film it on mobile phones. Bravo, The Sun, top quality investigative journalism. As always, bringing you the stories that matter. As always. Speaking of The Sun's top quality investigative reporting, they successfully tracked down a girl who posted a picture of her boobs online using a stolen mobile phone. The reporter even took the time to inform everyone that the silly girl was 'jobless', thereby demonising her that little bit more. This might be the most significant investigation conducted by a newspaper since the Watergate scandal. As a result, I believe that a special session of Parliament be convened to discuss the case, and the implications of both stolen mobile phones and pictures of boobs on the net, on the general public. Bravo, The Sun. Bravo. I'm sure that you want to see the picture which has caused the storm, well I always endevour to please my readership - so here's a picture of a cat karate kicking a dog:


The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same.

"Should I Buy 1 Ferrari or 2? Hell, I'm at
Man City Now - Let's Make it 10".

In the world of Football, Manchester City have appointed Manuel Pellegrini as manager. People say that thanks to the club owner's impossibly high expectations of new managers the Man City job is a poisoned chalice, but considering the wages involved, it's likely that Pellegrini can now afford to buy several million poisoned chalices. The other good thing about a job like that is that you can plan for the future, because you know you will only last 1-2 seasons before being fired, and with a wage of many gajillions of pounds per year, that's one delicious poison. Speaking of impossibly high expectations, Scottish manager David Moyes has taken the reigns at Manchester United, after Sir Alex Ferguson decided be couldn't be arsed anymore and has gone off to devote himself to his favourite pastimes of stealing Christmas and shouting at horses. It truly is all change in the city of Manchester, because United now have a grumpy angry Scot as manager, and City now have another highly rated European with unreasonable expectations placed upon him. Oh.


Scotland's Sporting Success, and Other Signs of the Apocalypse.

Scotland Won. Now The Fans Know
the End is Nigh.

Also in the world of sport, and Scotland won their World Cup qualifier against Croatia away from home. Yes, Scotland won a competative game of football, I'll just give you a moment to let that sink in......... Croatia, ranked number 4 in the world lost to Scotland who are ranked 74th, just ahead of Jordan and just behind Togo and the Cape Verde Islands (true). Whilst most of Scotland celebrated by getting even drunker than usual, it has unnerved many people, as such sporting successes are not supposed to happen until the end of days. I can only imagine that if Andy Murray wins Wimbledon this year then the Rapture will truly be upon us.

Kieran x.