As you join me today I'm currently sitting at a table in a coffee shop pouting like a little girl who's been told that her birthday party has been cancelled. What's causing me to whimper like a little bitch, you might ask. Well, I'm just 3 days away from my life as I know and love it, ending. Yes, 3 days from now the Missus and I will be exchanging vows, she will be giving me a ring as a token of her love and fidelity, and I will be giving her a pair of testicle-shaped earrings as a token of my capitulation and submission. We have recently been to see our holy man who will be performing the unholy ritual, and he talked us through what the wedding vows we are about to take actually mean. I'm sure that there was some deep emotional meaning to them, but I heard some very different interpretations than what the preacher man was saying:
"I take you, woman" -
I'm being taken by you, woman.
"To have and to hold" -
I might occasionally get some, but I won't get my hopes up.
"In sickness and in health" -
Me tolerating your periods, and you tolerating my man-flu.
"For richer, for poorer" -
You richer, me poorer.
"'Til death do us part." -
Or else you'll sue the shit out of me if I have an affair.
I think the overall impression the holy man was giving was that you must be willing to give yourself consensually, freely and with no impediments so there will be no 'shotgun wedding'. Hailing from a small, slightly backwards countrybumpkin town where I'd imagine shotgun weddings were quite common, (and having chosen to return there to get married) I can only guess that for some locals old habits die hard. What the preacher does not know is that the Missus will be holding a pump action shotgun to my genitalia. When it comes time to say my vows I can expect the sound of the Missus racking the shotgun's slide, just in case I have any bright ideas.
And so tonight I go through the practice ceremony with the Preacher, the Missus, my Best Woman and the Missus' Bridesman. Oh that reminds me, my sister just happens to be burdened with being my bestest friend, so when it came to picking a best man there was only one choice - Chuck Norris. But seeing as how it was unlikely that Mr Norris would be able to come, and he'd probably be busy saving the world again on the wedding day I asked my sister instead. The Missus on the other hand deliberately decided to go with the family angle as she (for some inexplicable reason) places great importance on family. So when it came to choosing a bridesmaid, she chose the next person she was close to - and that happens to be a dude. So I have a Best WOman and the Missus has a BridesMAN. How 21st century contemporary non-traditional bohemian hipster of us.
When we first got engaged I wasn't too bothered about the wedding, as it was more of a distant conceptual event which I didn't need to spend too much time thinking about, but now that it's almost upon me it has become depressingly real. Still, I have somehow found my own little safe haven. My life lately has become a hurricane of people buzzing around me, talking, discussing, organising for the wedding. Have you ever seen in the movies, one person sitting still, in real time, whilst everyone else has sped up to a blur around that person? That's me. Imagine me sitting on the sofa playing my Playstation with my cat Marley on my lap, and you have my life. Because luckily I seem to have found the eye of the storm. The one tiny patch of tranquility right at the centre, where all is calm. I'm hoping to sit here until the hurricane that is the wedding day is over, and we all come outside to assess the devastation that is my future hopes and dreams.
The next time we talk I will have a wedding ring, an official Missus, and no testes. But until then, I shall sit and whimper and stroke my genitals tenderly, because being all-but married has made me appreciate how precious some things in life are. Like freedom. Free speech. My own opinion. Being right. My pride, dignity and indeed testicles, because you really don't appreciate some things until they've gone. So wish me luck, and until next time, I bid you adieu.
Kieran x
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