The Week that Wasn't - 18th May 2013.

One of the Ladies' Rhinoplasty Surgery Has Gone Awry.

So what's been in the news lately? Well the Daily Mail have been highlighting the old weathly women of New York's Fifth Avenue and how their skin resembles the leather handbags they carry, as they get botox treatments, get their noses hacked into and their colons cleansed. The ladies of luxury enjoy, shopping for Gucci, Prada and Louis Vuitton. It's nice to know that living the high life hasn't affected their looks. With all the surgery done they lose the ability to pull any facial expressions, and their necks still look like a pharaoh's scrotum. Meanwhile tensions between North Korea and the rest of the sane world remain high, and there is alleged evidence of chemical weapons being used in the Syria conflict. All I can say is thank Christ the Mail have their priorities right.

These Receptionists Have Very Impressive CV's.

The Mail also report the latest embarrassment for Britain's next government-elect (that's if Britian finally sinks into the 7th circle of Hell) UKIP. As UKIP search for donors, their latest backer Demetri Marchessini (Yes, a Greek tycoon giving money to UKIP) who gave Nigel Farage's party £100,000 has bathed the party in glory by claiming that businesswomen who wear suits are deliberately making themselves unattractive and a woman not wearing a skirt is tantamount to "hostile behaviour". This comes from the same man who once called Jennifer Lopez a "Mexican Tart". I can only imagine that the board members of his company are all men who attend board meetings at Turkish saunas and massage parlours, and the highest position held by women in his company is receptionist, all of whom are contractually obliged to wear bikinis at work. I'm sure the headquarters of his company is like the Playboy fucking Mansion. What an absolute fucker.

Are You a Commie or an Immigrant,
You Bald Bastard.

After a surprising and frankly worrying success in the local elections, UKIP have recently been determined to make a complete arse of themselves ever since. First there was the much publicised embarrassment of UKIP candidate pictured making an alleged Nazi salute. Alex Wood has defended himself by saying that he was only reaching for the camera which is fair enough. That's perfectly logical, just like ex-Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi claiming that in his legendary "Bunga Bunga" parties were just a group meeting of a women's health club who checked one another for breast cancer, and liked to discuss political issues of the day, is perfectly logical. The fact that they were all naked was purely incidental. After the Nazi salute nonsense, Mr Farage was barricaded in a pub in Edinburgh after a crowd heckled him by chanting "Racist Nazi scum" etc. In order to show that they were wrong, big Nige then went on the BBC to berate the Scottish media for "not telling the truth" about Scottish independence, then branded all Scottish nationalists "fascist scum". Is it at all possible he was talking about his own party? Nevermind, big Nige seems to relish the opportunity to show himself as a dickhead at every possible opportunity.

Ball-Achingly Gorgeous. And Brave Too.

News from across that really big pond now, and the story that possibly the world's sexiest women ever Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy. This is because she found out that she carried a faulty mutated gene which significantly increased her chances of developing breast cancer. Apparently the chances of her being stricken with the cancer was over 80%. She therefore took the brave decision to have the operation which has reduced her chances to around 5%. Then incredibly she declared to the world media that she had it done. Holywood, the most superficial place on earth where beauty is demanded, and imperfections of celebrities are scrutinised and mocked, was startled. Angelina said that she hopes to raise awareness of the gene and help the plight of fellow women who carry the gene. Hopefully it will inspire others who need to have mastectomies, especially ITV, who will hopefully follow Angelina's example and surgically remove their pair of tits Ant and Dec from Saturday night TV. Perhaps this can lead to a televisual health checkup. Next to be surgically removed from your TV screens can be the festering great bollock that is Jeremy Kyle. And if he disappears from our screens then we will all owe Angelina a great debt.


The Sun has gone with the story of George Michael being involved in a crash on the motorway. Apparently he was the passenger in the vehicle, and no other vehicle was involved. Hopefully all are OK, but given George's track record in vehicles you'd have to be absolutely fucking mad to let him anywhere near your car even though he is already banned from driving. Nevermind the rush hour local traffic bulletins, they should simply inform other drivers of where George is at all times, so fellow drivers can ensure they are never any closer than 10 miles to him at any time.

"Wef, If You Don't Give Us 15 Minutes Injuwy Time
 I'll Punch Fuck Oot Yer Dog, Ya Pwick".

The big sports news this week is the retirement of 2 footballing institutions: Sir Alex Ferguson, famous for chewing gum and throwing a football boot, and David Beckham, famous for silly hairstyles and having the aforementioned boot lodged in his head. Sir Aldo, the ashen-faced, Wrigley's Spearmint bothering, self appointed grumpy old bastard of British football has decided to give up the ghost after being at the helm of Manchester Untied for the last 80 or 90 years. He states that he wants to spend more time shouting at his racehorses after getting a taste for it while Carlos Tevez was at Untied. Silly voiced anti-brainbox David Beckham has decided to call it quits on his football career after a glittering career of winning medals and being in black and white adverts wearing just his knickers. The highlight of his career was right at the end, where he successfully became the highest paid footballer ever, bagging a wage of £500,000 per week at L.A. Galaxy. Unfortunately, Dave is well known for being a feeble-minded simpleton, but what is lesser known is that he was actually a bona fide member of MENSA - right up until Sir Alex brained him with a football boot. After that he began to find Dora the Explorer an intellectually challenging show.

Emperor Cameron Shall Wine & Dine the Google Fatcat.
Then They Shall Play Charades in the Drawing Room.

Google's chief Eric Schmidt will gladhand David Cameron when they meet at the Business Advisory Group at 10 Downing Street next week. Google were recently dragged over the coals by MPs over the amount of tax it pays in the UK. Google's total annual revenue is thought to be £3 billion, however they only paid £6million in tax last year. So Eric will be going to Emperor Cameron's pad with some beer and Doritos. Dave will provide caviar, Pimm's and butlers. They'll play Xbox and Twister, and if the occasion calls for it, a game of trivial pursuit. I think it's pretty safe to say that one thing which won't happen is Eric being made to explain Google's tiny tax percentage. It's more likely that he will be congratulated by Big Dave on playing the system so well and proving conclusively that the system truly works. Especially for multi-billion pound companies.

Kieran x